Anyone here deal with mental illness?

pellinore

Life sucks and nothing good can come of it.
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Since my last post I've seen my PCP, my psychiatrist and my counselor.
My PCP appointment was fine. During the appointment I did explain what I meant when I said that I wouldn't bother her again....that I mean that if I can't explain what is going on then I won't call. I told her how my thoughts have been out of control....feeling very dark, negative and thinking of ways to harm myself. I told her that right now I've been OK with my dark thoughts but that I am afraid that, when they come again I won't be able to resist following those thoughts. I told her how scared I've been with these thoughts because they seem to have come out of nowhere. Nothing about how these thoughts and feelings are normal and don't fit in the normal way of how I've been in the past. I've another appointment inn March. She did, as usual tell me to call if I need to. She also knew that I'd be seeing mu psychiatrist in two days.

Talked with my psychiatrist and told him everything....dark thoughts, hurtful feelings toward myself, not being able to think, not being able to find words as I talk, being scared of these thoughts and not knowing if I can resist the thoughts when they come back. I made sure that I held nothing back...this was not a typical appointment with my doctor. I told him that I'd seen my PCP and that I'd told her everything, too.

He asked me what it is that I will do if I need some help and I said that I'd call my PCP and talk with her or wait for a day or so until she calls me. He asked me if I had a cell phone number for my PCP....I don't. He went over what options there are for me if I'm needing help and if I call the 24 hour emergency line to talk they will send an email to my doctor so that he knows I've called. He wanted me to know what options are out there for me. He even asked if I had told this to my counselor about these thoughts and feelings. When I told him that I hadn't he said that she's my counselor and that she needs to know these things. I told him that I'd be seeing my counselor tomorrow and that I would tell her everything.

The doctor said that it was time to make another medicine change since the two meds I am on now are at the highest possible dose. He's changed me to Effexor. I asked if this medicine change would be easier than a med change I'd had before. He said yes it would be. He told me that if I wanted that I could be checked in to their residential area so that we can watch the medicine change and be sure its going well. I said that I didn't want to do that. He asked me a few questions that he hasn't asked in a long time....am I taking any drugs or drinking a lot. The answer is "no." There was a definite change in his demeanor toward me. He seemed to be quite concerned about what is happening. I've never felt this type of concern before and it sort of makes me wonder what could happen. Kind of makes me a bit nervous and anxious. It was at this point where he asked me what I'll do if things get to be too much. I'll be seeing him in about a month....and this was the first time that he was very clear that if I have issues to make sure to call.

As soon as I left my psychiatrists office I called my PCP and talked with her assistant and told her about the medicine change and that I'm pretty anxious with this change.
When I went to the pharmacy to get my medication I was told that it can take 4-6 weeks before the full effectiveness of this med takes place....not what I wanted to hear.

The next day I saw my counselor and told her everything that had been happening. She also talked with me about what my options are if I'm in a crisis...the 24 hour emergency number that my psychiatrist gave me (my counselor used to work with the same facility as my psychiatrist) and what to do if I feel that I will harm myself.
We had a good session....and tomorrow I see my counselor again.

It hasn't been too difficult so far with changing my medicine, but I have continued to have trouble thinking and feel very close to tears most nights. I'm sure that I will talk about this tomorrow. I have noticed a huge difference in how my body doesn't seem to be running on 6 cups of coffee anymore...so that is good. Yay.

This is the latest from Pelli....thank you all for keeping an eye on me!
 

GoodyNN

Plays with strings; Bacon Number of 2
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@pellinore you are always in my thoughts. Thank you for sharing and keeping us updated, I worry when I don't see you in a while. I'm glad to hear this med change seems to be less stressful than prior changes, and I hope that continues. Gentle virtual hugs headed your way.
 
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The feeling of being lonely even when surrounded by lot of people is the worst feeling one can ever have ! 😕
My dad has some sort of schizophrenia which was diagnosed very late. Even though he is on medication, it’s not much effective because of his age . I always have felt something wrong in me too. But one good thing is I could control my emotions and be a person that world wants from me . But keeping all emotions to yourself is so painful . I fear no one will understand why I feel this way .
Now my kid is recently diagnosed with ADHD. She is very bright but her social skills are delayed and she can’t make any friends. Everyday I’m seeing her struggle and many a times I blame myself for that. I feel it’s my genes that’s making her suffer in such a small age.
 
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Ok...I’ll confess that I’m afraid to reach out to people when I’m feeling depressed or worse.

This is because I believe people will treat me differently, not care, or abandon me. It makes me feel like a burden.

I keep quiet, and let my mind be at war with itself.

So there...that’s it. It’s off my chest.

I’m not looking for help right now, nor am I a danger to myself. Please don’t be alarmed.
 

TTGOz

"Suit"-able
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Jul 24, 2016
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I'm feeling particularly okay at the moment.

The thought of possibly being able to leave Target in March for an LOA to focus on my detailing business has got my hopes up. Just got off the phone with a guy who resells cars privately himself and wants to enlist me to detail his cars at what I assume is my price. The thought of having somewhat consistent volume at my price thrills me, but it's almost always too good to be true.

But, even if that works out, the thrill of being able to escape my fiery doom of forty hour weeks and $700 paychecks ensues, with the possibility of being able to work less than thirty hours a week and make $1000+. I think Target is a culprit for a lot of our issues, it's the rat-race itself that does this. It's just unhealthy some times.
 

Aredhel

Jolly Rancher
Joined
Feb 12, 2017
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671
I’m thinking about how bad it is at my store.

And holy fuck is it toxic and unhealthy. From top to bottom it’s just rotten.
That’s too bad. It’s a challenging job as it is. Maybe recognition of the toxicity can help you deal with it. It also might be helpful to have an exit strategy to a different position or a new job. Even if you can’t act on it soon you are engaging your energies forward.
 

pellinore

Life sucks and nothing good can come of it.
Joined
Jun 16, 2011
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I am now starting to feel a little bit settled. My thoughts and feelings still haven't completely settled down, but I have noticed a little improvement. It isn't as difficult to find words when I am talking....but I'm still experiencing difficulty with making decisions.

I am also experiencing uncertainty and I am really feeling anxious. I don't feel like I'm ready to cry all the time. Feeling alone and isolated are still feelings that remain. I'm still having a difficult time with identifying what I am feeling.

Maybe there's just too much happening inside me that I'm not certain what I feel.

Sometimes....like with this post it is easy to see that I'm still not quite right. Can't seem to write a clear paragraph about what is going on. It is as though I can only complete one sentence at a time.....but not a complete thought.

I am working on being patient with myself....and that seems like it takes a lot of energy. I see my counselor on Thursday but I am not sure if that brings me any comfort....should it?

I do want to talk with my PCP....but there's not any specific thing that I want to tell her.
I might call my other friend tomorrow, I think that mostly I'm needing safe contact.
Lots to think about....and not sure what to do.

One little step at a time.
 
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I stopped receiving notifications for this thread, and I thought it had gone silent. Hugs to everyone that needs them.

@BullseyeBabe Definitely get your doctor on board with what accommodations will help you.

@Betawolfe18 If you are bad enough off that you are calling out frequently then you need your medication to be re-evaluated for efficacy. Also, consider FMLA while that is happening and definitely get paperwork from your doctor about accommodations that will make calling out less damaging.

@Sweet Pea What sort of treatment are you receiving now? If none, definitely seek it out. A therapist would be a good first step.

@Kartman That's worse than a bandaid over a gunshot wound. That's anti-clotting factor being poured in. Self-medicating helps the perception in the short term, but makes the underlying illness worse and makes it easier to blow up your life in the process.

@rd123 Don't hide who you are from the world and put on a false front. As far as your daughter, don't settle with an ADHD diagnosis. Far too often a kid with no friends and delayed social skills who gets an ADHD diagnosis actually has autism/Asperger's Syndrome and the ADHD diagnosis delays getting needed treatment. While I can't diagnose from your one sentence I highly recommend you bring up the possibility with her psychiatrist or her developmental pediatrician (not her standard pediatrician). Time is an enemy when it comes to early intervention for developmental disorders.

@WalksforMiles Unfortunately you are right that many people will act differently when faced with the force of out of normal feelings. But some won't. Test the waters when you are okay, ask "hypothetical" questions when stuff is in the news or when watching a movie. And definitely a therapist would be helpful, not just in listening but in giving a way to respond to your own mind.

I've heard of video therapy, where rather than going to someone's office you use a microphone and a webcam on your computer or phone. Insurance companies are covering them now as they are cheaper too. Maybe folks here could consider that?
 
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And @pellinore , I took a bit of time to think about you more carefully before responding. Do you write in a journal? Many therapists recommend journaling. By putting things on paper and then re-reading it, you may be able to avoid the talking in circles. Maybe once you write, you won't need to talk about it because you got it out of you. Maybe you can see what you want to be saying but what you don't know how to say it, and you can then write on a separate page exactly what it is you want to say. Maybe you could see if you need a response or if you can solve it on your own, it was just too chaotic to work through writing on paper. When dealing with other chronic conditions it is highly encouraged that patients put together a list of their questions and how they are feeling so that nothing gets forgotten during the appointment and everything can be understood. Definitely applies with mental illness too.
 

Kartman

MasterBlaster
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Heck, I don't even remember what I said and I'm not going through 65 pages, lol. Something about self-medicating I'm thinking...
 
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@Tessa120 My kids’s school did her evaluation first when she was 4 years old as Aspergers and she is getting services for that from school. But as she is growing up her school suggested us to go for a doctor diagnosis so that we can make use of out of school services and insurance . We were always thinking that she will catch up sooner or later but as she is progressing her grades , the expectations too get high and she gets way too anxious. Even I’m not sure why she was diagnosed as ADHD . Thanks for your words Tessa120.
 
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Tangent away from mental illness, sorry folks.

Medical diagnosis is urgently needed when dealing with a developmental disability. Schools can often fall short of what all is needed, because their mandate for spending funds is focused solely on educating the child. Life skills are not part of the laws surrounding what they need to pay for. A medical diagnosis opens the door for other types of therapies and for a developmental pediatrician to create a treatment plan and monitor how well that plan is working for the child and adjust as needed. Medical diagnosis also allows for the child to receive SSI and Medicaid. And since Asperger's is a lifelong disability the medical paper trail makes it easy to receive help from agencies like Rehabilitative Services or get ADA work accommodations when your child becomes an adult. I believe there are even scholarships and grants for developmentally disabled adults who are capable of college, and I know that ADA accommodations similar to IEP accommodations are required of colleges.

As far as progressing, chronological age and developmental age are always going to have a gap, and it will possibly increase as your child ages. It'll be hard to have a leap where developmental age progresses faster than chronological age and finally catches up. My daughter, in initial testing, her developmental age was 2/3 of her chronological age, 12 months vs. 18 months. That 2/3 ratio has maintained through all her life, she's now 25 and she's only now showing developmental adulthood, 17-18 roughly.

Okay, back on the subject.

@rd123 Dealing with mental illness and a developmentally disabled child is hard. Been there, done that, got the soggy Kleenex. Make sure you have supports for yourself, so that you can let loose and be weak for a bit, release some of the pressure built up inside, so that you can go back to being strong for your child. Partner with your doctor so that when the stress breaks something in the brain, your doctor can get you back together pretty quickly. For everyone, it's the typical caregiver stress, but being mentally ill means you need your own caregiver and it's just not really there, so if you ever become a caregiver be mindful of making your foundation and your plan for care strong so that when you suffer from instability everything's already in place to get you well again.

Speaking of caregivers, has anyone here made plans for worst case scenarios? I signed a medical power of attorney, and made it effective immediately instead of upon incapacitation, so my husband can step in without having to convince a judge that I'm in bad shape.
 

GoodyNN

Plays with strings; Bacon Number of 2
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@rd123 I'm going to second @Tessa120 's posts above. Get a medical diagnosis, get your child registered into "the system". You may think you don't need supports now, but there are going to be times when you need someone to step in so you can decompress. And by starting this process while she's young, you can show that this is a life-long disability that isn't going to go away, which will help when it's time to apply for Supplemental Security Income, Medicaid, and more. My kiddo was diagnosed young but I didn't have anyone to guide me further until we moved to our current location and into a school district with amazing teachers who finally got us on the right path for future planning.

AS for Tessa's last paragraph about caregivers and planning....
I'm actively working with an attorney right now to prepare estate planning documents for my family. A special needs trust, powers of attorney, and guardianship paperwork for our adult daughter with developmental disabilities, wills for myself and my spouse to ensure that if we have anything to leave behind, it goes to the trust and not to her directly, powers of attorney for each of us just in case. We're still discussing whether we want DNR's.
 

Aredhel

Jolly Rancher
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Think about aging parents and in laws. It’s harder to start a dialogue but if nothing else ask them what they don’t want to do. Or happen. Talk now and plan ahead.
 

pellinore

Life sucks and nothing good can come of it.
Joined
Jun 16, 2011
Messages
1,962
Tesa120: I used to write in journals. I have quite a collection of fun cloth covered books. I found that writing in a journal was helpful....until I got to a place where I was working through some issues from having been sexually abused by an uncle of mine. As I was dealing with the current issues at that time I stopped writing because I felt that I didn't want these experiences to continue to invade my writing.....that was awhile ago and I never got back to writing because I was still afraid of the invasion of my experiences with my past.

Someone else recently mentioned writing.....and what is interesting is that currently I am beginning to work on more of the issues from my abuse. What happened to me and to many of the nieces in my extended family was completely unacceptable.....and I discovered that there was an Aunt in the family who knew what was going on (as she too had been abused by her brother) and the Aunt of mine never said a thing....not to her girls or to her sisters (like my Mom) to warn them about the behavior. Anyway, I've a lot of anger to deal with because my aunt never said one word.....I had to deal with my abuse for several years. To this day I firmly believe that I would be a different person had my aunt said something (even if only to her sisters).

It is tremendously difficult for me to trust people. I never really had the opportunity to do much dating because I am too afraid of being touched....even as a man tries to do something as simple as hold my hand. One thing I must add here is that I have been abused by more than one man.....which more clearly explains my fear and trust regarding men.

I wish that I had the chance to have had freedom from my fears and been able to trust. Because of my experiences I will never know if I would have gotten married and had a family. I think that I would have been a pretty good mother, but I never had the chance to get close enough to even consider a future with a man. Of course, I may not ever have married, but because no one said a damn thing and I had several years of abuse....I will never know what could have been. I know that the idea of "what could have been.." is just like the questions of "what if..." in that a person will never know what might have been. However, if I would have had the opportunity to try things...who knows, maybe I would have married....or maybe not. But the chance for that choice was taken away from me before I was old enough to think much about dating and marrying.

Anyway, as I would write in my journal about my uncle....well, let me say that I had to stop writing because his interference was too much.

I am in my 50s and to this day I can count on one hand the number of men that I have trusted enough to be able to have a friendship with. I find this to be very sad. The person that I've talked about in the past....the friend who I have as one of my most important support people is a man. I've know him for over thirty years and I am still amazed that I am able to have a male friend....a friend that I am able to tell him about everything...from many details of my abuse to my most personal deep thoughts.....this is the man who took me to the hospital years ago because I was all prepared to kill myself. I've done some really stupid stuff and have tried on a few occasions to close the door to our friendship....but because he knows me so well, he knows when it is time to ignore some of the things that I say....even as recently as this past January. My depression interferes with many things but I do have a friend that remains as true a friend that anyone could wish for.

In my life, I've had only two people that I not only can trust completely, I feel completely safe being around. These two people are this one friend and my PCP who I have known since 1996. I feel comfortable, safe, protected and trust them with my whole being. No matter what I'm feeling, or how mean-spirited I can sometimes become, no matter what words come from my mouth or the thousands of tears I've shed, these two people have always been my strongest supporters. I trust that, as long as they are able, they will continue to help me even when I can't or don't know how to handle things myself.

Sorry Tesa120....I don't think that you were expecting such a long and very descriptive answer to your thoughts about writing in a journal!
I'm sure that many of you weren't expecting to learn so much about some of the things that are crucial to being who I am.
Maybe now it might be easier for some of you to understand why being fired from Target back in October still is a difficult thing for me to deal with. Twelve and a half years is a long time to be doing a job that you love and having the opportunity to be able to have Team Members and guests that were an integral part of my everyday life. They were my friends and my family. I was able to meet and know a lot of people and be able to have contact with them without a lot of the stress that comes with being uncomfortable with half the population in the world. I could talk safely with all types of people and have the comfort of a counter in between those people that I wasn't comfortable checking out....but many of these people were my friends and now I've a new reality to try to deal with and handle. Being comfortable with so many people was my sense of being and my purpose. Not only is that all gone....it was taken away from me in a very, very hurtful way. Now, add to all of this my everyday issues, problems, family and my months and months of trying to get my depression under control....well, I hope that now maybe there are things that make more sense now that all this new stuff has been put out in public.

Thank you all for being so patient and keeping me company as I walk through this very difficult time in my life. I appreciate you.
 
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