Anyone here deal with mental illness?

Tessa120

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It's spring in Alaska which means a lot more light (average amount of light for everybody else) so my mood has stabilized.
But my sleep is for shit, which is only going to get worse because the light is going to get longer.

Summer is a manic time even for folks who are neurotypical.
Have you tried black out curtains? When I've traveled the curtains in hotels really keep me asleep well after sunrise.
 

commiecorvus

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Have you tried black out curtains? When I've traveled the curtains in hotels really keep me asleep well after sunrise.

Oh yeah, I live in a cave.
Pro tip: For those of you who can't afford afford blackout curtains tinfoil taped directly to the glass works pretty well.
The constant light still messes with your brain chemistry somehow.
 

Aredhel

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^ Could explain irritable wildlife. Had a coworker who lived up there who regaled us with moose-in-the-driveway stories. And apparently bears do sh_t in the woods along with people who run into them unexpectedly.
 
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Yesterday I was just tired. Not sleepy tired but you know the kind. I could not get motivated.
Everything is so messed up. Vehicles everywhere crammed w either stuff that needs pushed or needs backstocked. My zone was terrible when I arrived. I pulled a full cart of reshop out of my area.
I move nonstop. The expectations are beyond ridiculous. Needless to say at the end of my shift I had a “talking to”. 🙄
I move as fast as I can. It gets done when it gets done. Period.
I’m just overwhelmed.
I’m just tired.
 

pellinore

Life sucks and nothing good can come of it.
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My psychiatrist has mentioned ECT as a possible option to consider.
I'm looking for feedback.....either your experience or experience of someone else. I'm not interested in hearing any opinions, just experiences or knowledge.
 

soyaxo

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Yesterday I was just tired. Not sleepy tired but you know the kind. I could not get motivated.
Everything is so messed up. Vehicles everywhere crammed w either stuff that needs pushed or needs backstocked. My zone was terrible when I arrived. I pulled a full cart of reshop out of my area.
I move nonstop. The expectations are beyond ridiculous. Needless to say at the end of my shift I had a “talking to”. 🙄
I move as fast as I can. It gets done when it gets done. Period.
I’m just overwhelmed.
I’m just tired.
You managed to put the exact way I feel about work right now into words.
 

Times Up

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My psychiatrist has mentioned ECT as a possible option to consider.
I'm looking for feedback.....either your experience or experience of someone else. I'm not interested in hearing any opinions, just experiences or knowledge.
My local news had a segment about it recently. The people who they interviewed claimed huge improvement in just weeks and they all called it life changing.

A distance relative had it and after a few sessions was able to be discharged from her inpatient treatment due to the dramatic improvement and stabilization of her mood.
 

Tessa120

I escaped the asylum!
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Experience, a mailing list I was on had a woman who used ECT. We didn't hear from her for 2 months, when she came back she said there was memory loss and she had forgotten how to use email and had to relearn it.

Knowledge, the brain runs on 0.07 volts and ECT puts 70 to 200 volts in it.

More knowledge, ask your psychiatrist why he has ruled out TMS (also widely used) and other brain stimulation therapies. Make sure he considered them and has reason to rule them out. Analogue, many doctors prescribe either name brand medications or medications they just like out of habit without considering alternate options until asked. Make sure your doctor isn't defaulting to a single brain stimulation therapy out of habit.
 

TTGOz

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I've heard ketamine clinics have been popping up and doing wonders for people with severe clinical depression.

warning: a very psychedelic experience, one that's monitored under a doctor.
 

Tessa120

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I thought ketamine is still experimental, you need to be part of a research study.
 

Times Up

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I've heard ketamine clinics have been popping up and doing wonders for people with severe clinical depression.

warning: a very psychedelic experience, one that's monitored under a doctor.
Excellent point. Once had that for anesthesia. Based on that experience I knew I never needed to try acid. What should have been a early release from a minor procedure ended up requiring me to stay at the hospital until evening.
 
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TTGOz

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I thought ketamine is still experimental, you need to be part of a research study.
not sure, it probably is just experimental. I just know there's been a few opened up in minnesota. It's pretty expensive and not covered with medical insurance, I think I read it's about $500 per session/infusion of ketamine.

I googled a little bit and read some of this.
Ketamine clinics promise depression treatment, but some stray from the evidence - https://www.statnews.com/2018/09/24/ketamine-clinics-severe-depression-treatment/

I've always been interested in psychedelic experiences for exactly this reason. Something that will shoot me into the stars. Something that will show me time doesn't mean what we think it means. Something that shows me this life is mine. It also sounds really fun being sprung into your unconscious mind and flying around the Sun. I don't doubt the legitimacy of Ketamine clinics because the richest people in the world broke out of their shell on LSD or toad mucus. Steve Jobs says taking LSD was one of the most important things he had ever done in his life.
 

Tessa120

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I saw my new doctor today. 😢

I don't know what y'all know about bipolar disorder, but it literally has two "poles", two extreme states. One is depression, it can range from mild depression to major suicidal depression. The other pole, mania, it's like ADHD on steroids, or I've heard similar to a meth trip. Energy is limitless, the filter that curbs acting on impulses is gone, the concept of consequences went out with the filter because it's all about now, and the regulation of emotions also left with the filter. You do what pops into your head and you don't give a crap about fallout and you keep going and keep going because the emotions add fuel to the fire. Even when they are bad emotions, they just spew out like a fountain and who gives a damn about the person at the other end.

Bipolar disorder type 2 requires major depression but it also does not have the full form of mania, you kinda are halfway there, like the battery is only partially charged. Think mild depression compared to major depression. It is very nasty in its own way, with the severity of the depression, but you can only go up so much.

Bipolar depression does worsen as you age. Most of the sources I've read said untreated bipolar disorder, but some did not differentiate between treated and untreated.

23 years ago last month I received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder type 2. The psychiatrist diagnosed it, confirmed by a psych eval about 6 months later. I've had a lot of doctors, I told them the diagnosis and they noted it in the chart and moved on. At some point a doctor started me on an anti-psychotic and the severe depression went away, just mild depression since, the worst is feeling nothing with some pain for feeling yucky, but not the horrendous pain of severe depression. The last last doctor said he wasn't sure what type of bipolar disorder I had, it could be either type 2 or type 1, the last doctor that I saw briefly before insurance change said she believed type 1.

Today's doctor said that in his medical opinion it's definitely type 1, subtype with psychotic features.

I don't know why, but that last part hits really hard, it's pretty upsetting. That I am officially sick enough that I have a form of psychosis. I could always tell myself that yeah I have delusions from time to time, that there are times I believe that many people are plotting together to put up bad thing after bad thing to affect my life in a bad way (conspiring to get me fired, stuff like that) even if they don't know each other they are working in concert, but hey I'm not having any hallucinations. I'm not but so sick because I don't see things that aren't there and I don't hear people whispering things in my ear.

Well I guess I am that sick, that I am that "crazy".

And right now is not the time, I'm in a mixed state, thigh deep in the waters of both mild depression and hypomania, and trying to keep from wading any further out. I need happy gentle news, not disrupt my sense of healthy self news.

It's been a rough day, and now I have to learn to live with a new type of chronic illness. I mean, yeah, it's clearly been there a while, but now my concept of "I'm not that sick" has been ripped out of me. Perception of reality is what's changed, but perception of reality can be more powerful than actual reality. Think of standing naked in front of a full length mirror, how you would rate the areas of your body compared to someone else rating it, perception vs. reality.
 

band_rules16

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While Target is a mess, I usually don't let it get to me. I go in, do what I can, and go home. Nothing to get too excited about on my end. Although I don't think my ETL is too happy with my summer availability, but when I've only been getting 6-10 hours a week, I had to find a full time seasonal job in addition to Spot.

Last week I discovered I wasn't going to be able to finish my research class. I had some academic issues and finally decided enough was enough. It was relieving to know I wouldn't have to cram half a semester's worth of research into two weeks. But I had to have some meetings with the head of the department and my prof, which was unpleasant. After all of that, plus meeting with an academic advisor, I took some time away from campus and I noticed a significant change in my mood. I went to training for my summer job and the people there welcomed me into the fold immediately. Everyone was so nice and inclusive, it was difficult to go home at the end of the day! Coming back to campus was insanely hard, and people have noticed my absence, but no one has said anything.

It is an absolutely ridiculous idea that grad students' mental health has to suffer for a higher degree. I honestly don't think the higher degree (master's, PhD, etc.) is worth the mental abuse that grad students endure, the unrealistic and constantly changing expectations, and lack of communication. When my mental health is in a better state, I'm going to find a program that fits my needs better than this one did.

I did have an interview today for a full time job near my family. While it's not vital that I end up near them, it was nice to break the stagnant feeling of rejection career wise. I'm hoping I get an interview in the area I'm hoping to be in. I just need to go back to work full time in my field (not Spot).

Last year, I was prescribed medication for anxiety and depression (a generic for Lexapro) but I never took it. I had an upswing with moods and things and thought I didn't need it. But now I'm wondering if I should go back and get it again. While it's helpful to be leaving grad school, my depression is still an ongoing battle. I have a ten page research paper due in two days for the one class I'm trying to pass and I am having so much trouble trying to do it. But there isn't medication to mend a broken heart. That's really what's fueling my depression, and 90% of people keep telling me to "just get over it". God, if I could, I would. I wish I could just forget that he up and left with next to no explanation. I know he's all the terrible things everyone has said and yet I can't make myself believe it. I want to and I want to forget the whole dang thing, but it's there, every single day, staring me in the face and reminding me of the failure that I'm trying to own even though it wasn't my fault.

Please send good vibes, prayers, or keep your fingers crossed that an offer for a full time job in my field comes along. That will be a starting point at least.
 

Tessa120

I escaped the asylum!
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(((hugs)))

For school, when my daughter was close to high school graduation I found out that there are resources for disabled college students, under some portion of the ADA. It was different, since the student was switching from the IDEA to the ADA, but there were accommodation resources and modifications that were part of law. Mental illness is covered under the ADA, so check out the college's office that handle disabilities, to see if time extensions or coursework modifications will keep you on track.
 

band_rules16

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(((hugs)))

For school, when my daughter was close to high school graduation I found out that there are resources for disabled college students, under some portion of the ADA. It was different, since the student was switching from the IDEA to the ADA, but there were accommodation resources and modifications that were part of law. Mental illness is covered under the ADA, so check out the college's office that handle disabilities, to see if time extensions or coursework modifications will keep you on track.
That's part of what the academic advisor was looking into. But I would have to repeat the research course, which I am not going to do at this point. Plus my project was never approved (which, ironically, was stress and burnout in beginning educators in my field). The prof and my advisor have dismissed my depression and I'm exhausted fighting them about it. They don't believe mental health is a valid excuse for the issues I've had. It's too late to do anything now, the semester ends in a week.
 

pellinore

Life sucks and nothing good can come of it.
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More knowledge, ask your psychiatrist why he has ruled out TMS (also widely used) and other brain stimulation therapies. Make sure he considered them and has reason to rule them out. Analogue, many doctors prescribe either name brand medications or medications they just like out of habit without considering alternate options until asked. Make sure your doctor isn't defaulting to a single brain stimulation therapy out of habit.
Regarding my doctor talking about ECT seems to be more due to a treatment resistant depression....most of what I've read doesn't really focus much on treatment resistant depression/anxiety. So, I'm looking to learn more about that.

TMS....I'll ask him about that and ask what other options might be available.

Thanks everyone for your feedback!
 

pellinore

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Got some news from my counsellor that I didn't need to `know. She told me today that she has resigned from the practice that she's working with and going to another place (actually not far from where I meet her now) that doesn't accept insurance. Well, the clinic will charge you and then as an individual you submit the bill to your insurance....and see if they reimburse you.

I first started with this counsellor right before I was fired from Target in October and then I wasn't able to see her again until mid-January and now I'll only be able to see her through May. I'm not quite sure what to do next. She did suggest that I see if I can get a counsellor at the place where my psychiatrist works. She has a particular person in mind, but I don't know if this person is able to accept more clients (his workload may be full now). The person that she has suggested is the facilitator of a group therapy I go to every week. I have group tomorrow and can probably ask him if he is able to accept new clients. I know that not too long ago he wasn't taking new clients so I don't know if he is now......I'm guessing that he probably isn't taking new clients. He's been at this Behavioral Health Center for quite a long time and I 'm guessing that he's got a lot of clients. He's well-liked so if he has availability he's probably got people on a kind of waiting list to see him. I won't know for sure until I ask tomorrow, but I am not counting on him being able to accept new clients. So I'm not quite sure where things stand right now and what I'll do next if he's not accepting new clients.
Just a couple of weeks ago there was a counsellor that was removed from this clinic so his clients had to be reassigned....so there might not be anyone taking new clients now. Who knows.
 

Times Up

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Maybe he will make an exception for you since you already do group with him.
 

pellinore

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I had my group therapy today and when it was time for my check-in time I told everyone that my counsellor was leaving. The group leader said that this might be a blessing in disguise as I've had some issues with her. Which I have, but the issue was in the process of being resolved. Now it doesn't really matter.
Anyway, I did discover that Paul (the group leader) is able to take new clients. His first open appointment was in about two weeks. I didn't take it because I had other things going on that day. I'm hoping to call tomorrow afternoon for an appointment. So, if all goes well I'll be able to start with him before my current counsellor leaves. In fact my current counsellor said that if I was able to start with him before she leaves then, by all means, I ought to start to see him.

A really weird thing is that there's part of me that is kind of scared to tell her good-bye. At the moment, the idea of saying good-bye makes me cry. I'm not really understanding why I'm feeling this way. Maybe it is the fact that she represents the time and courage that it took to be willing to go to counselling. Maybe it is because she represents a huge hurdle for me? I don't know. I'm surprised at how this is affecting me....considering that I've only seen her for a couple of months. Or maybe this is difficult because I've already been very vulnerable and talked about some real rough things. I don't know. I want to understand why I feel as I do.

Tomorrow afternoon I see my primary care physician. I'm sure that she'll be able to give me some feedback on why I'm feeling as I do. My PCP is the best ever. I'm guessing that my appointment tomorrow will be a bit longer than regular appointments......good thing she suggested that I make sure to be her last scheduled patient of the day.....but the fact that tomorrow is Friday afternoon....maybe time will factor in for a shorter appointment. All I can say is that I am glad that I see my PCP tomorrow.

I'm now able to work with someone with the state to actually start putting in job applications. Right now I'm feeling like I'm ready to put a stop to everything. I'm in an emotional place that has me feeling like I need more time. I need more time to work on myself. I need more time to get back to feeling like I'm back on solid ground.....I feel like I'm going slightly backwards and it feels like everything is moving way too fast for me. I want to stop and catch my breath and get centered. It seems stupid that I am feeling as I do......I've had lots of time to recover from being fired, from my difficult holiday season, and from my January/March medicine crash. Stuff ought to be better now....but right now, it isn't. I guess that a part of me wants to feel in control of something and it feels like I have no control.

I need to see my PCP. I'm needing her to help me to feel settled and emotionally steady.
 

pellinore

Life sucks and nothing good can come of it.
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Slight change of plans with my PCP. Got a call from her office telling me that my doctor had a 3:00 appointment and that would mean that she wouldn't have much time with me and the doctor wanted to know if I could change to Tuesday. So....I'm going in Tuesday afternoon and am going to be the last patient of the day. This works out well for me. I don't like having to wait for a few more days, but I am glad that the wait means that she'll have time for me.

It was a bit of a difficult week for me. On Friday I met with my vocational specialist. I told her about not feeling ready to move forward and of how I'm feeling a bit fragile and need to work on myself and getting steady again. I also mentioned that I was concerned about the number of hours I might be working...assuming I get a full-time job. I don't know if I can handle a 40 hour work week.....but I also don't know what a reasonable number of hours might be. I'm feeling too mixed-up. I mean, everything I've been doing these last few months has been getting prepared to find a new job and yet....I'm not ready. My vocational specialist said that it was OK that I'm feeling as I do. She was fine with understanding what I was saying. One thing I asked her was about how many people get to where I am and then find that they aren't ready to move forward. She said that it is something that happens and that it is OK to need some time. She said that she was happy to know that I understand the need to work on myself and get to feeling OK again. She said most people don't get that. We've just got started on the real job search stuff and it is early and we can move forward when I'm more ready.

I think that a lot of my needing to work to get myself back on steady ground has to do with the fact that my counsellor is leaving and that I have to start over also my medicine dose increase should help me feel more grounded, but the dose change was only 3 weeks ago. I'm doing some research on ECT treatments. Having several big things going on right now is most likely why I'm feeling as I do.

I did talk with my parents to explain what is going on now and they were incredibly understanding. They haven't been pushing me to get a job and they are telling me to make sure that I am ready to work before I try to push myself too hard. So, I do not have to worry about pressure from my parents....and that really helps because I'm not sure about what it is that seems to be wrong.
 
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I'm not saying I'm Agoraphobic but, I'm having a hard time leaving the house if not for Work.
And it's due to an increasing amount of fear, anxiety and depression.

But Work is a terribly unhealthy atmosphere as well.
 
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