Anyone here deal with mental illness?

commiecorvus

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My grandfather passed away this morning just as I was leaving to see him. My manager has been a real bright spot through all of this and I am eternally grateful for her support.

My deepest condolences for your loss.
 

commiecorvus

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The office my counselor works out of is decent but it goes through front end staff like crazy and they don't have the best software to work with either (I know this because one of my counselors is married to a staff member but anyway.)
I always set up my appointment months out, so I have the same spot.
It works best because I don't drive and am one of the closers at work.
I am willing to admit I made the mistake of not checking but when I came up, they had given my spot away for months.

Once again, new people behind the counter but I've been seeing my counselor for almost five years, same time...
You can consider yourself to be pretty stable then something like this happens and you realize, no, not really.
I actually was thinking I would just not go to therapy at all.
Lucky for me, my counselor and another person jumped on it.
They are trying to fix it so I will get my schedule back.
 

Tessa120

I escaped the asylum!
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I'm so sorry TTGOz. Please talk all you want, processing the death of a loved one takes not just time, it also takes seemingly nonsense talking. We'll listen to whatever you need to say.
 

Tessa120

I escaped the asylum!
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Commie, I'm right there with you. Screw ups with my mental health treatment turns me from strong and eccentric to crying like a baby, irrational, and full blown rage.
 

Black Sheep 214

Kiss no butts, give no fox
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My grandfather passed away this morning just as I was leaving to see him. My manager has been a real bright spot through all of this and I am eternally grateful for her support.
Condolences to you and your family. So sorry.
 

TTGOz

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Thank you everyone. I blindly took the task of speaking at the funeral and performing a song when my aunt asked if anyone could and no one chimed in. I'm gladly doing it but I have a huge task ahead of me to complete by Wednesday. Here I am at 3am, alarm set for 6am so I could wake up early to get a jump start. Meh, maybe I should just sleep in since I've had maybe 8 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours.
 

Tessa120

I escaped the asylum!
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Mar 17, 2017
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If y'all haven't been talking lately, can you sound off please? Being in a bad spot and then going quiet on a online forum for mental illness is a little scary for everyone else; the worst possibility is one no one wants to think about, but everyone does think about it.
 

pellinore

Life sucks and nothing good can come of it.
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Hi all. Yes, I have been silent for quite awhile. Not intentional.
Got a lot going on and much of it is rough.
The Effexor seems to be OK, but I find that I am very emotional. I don't like that. My psych dr is keeping an eye on me. I've been seeing him every 5-6 weeks or so. I think that I'm falling backwards and it is not where I want to be.
Got a "no" from social security, but there's an organization working on this. I doubt that I ever will get an OK because I'm not in bad enough shape to qualify for this. I am sorry. I don't mean to make this sound unfeeling, but I think that it sucks. It is good to be in good enough shape to be able to work, but there's so much more to consider.

I've started to wonder about ADA but I probably won't qualify for this either. I think that the problem now is that since my last job was as a cashier it is the sort of job that can be adapted for me. The problem here is that I will do my best to stay away from retail. I've worked every Thanksgiving since 2001......not all of it Target, but I think that I have put in more than my fair share of having to miss Thanksgivings. Also have worked after Xmas through right after the New Year. I think that I have done enough on holidays and had enough screwy hours that I will do just about anything to stay away fro retail.

I was worried about trying to go back to work full-time. I know that I am not ready but I need health benefits. Well, at the last psych app't the dr said that I should go back part-time. Full-time is too stressful-learning new things, dealing with people and the stress of a new job and he said that I have just gotten over a major depressive episode and he doesn't want me to go backwards. I trust his advice and it is easier to tell family and friends that the dr has said that part-time is the way to go.

I have been having really dark thoughts again and I have been thinking things that are harmful to myself. It is scary. It feels like things are closing in. I haven't been able to meet with my new counselor as frequently as I would like. Two weeks apart seems long and then they had to cancel an app't so it will be four weeks between sessions. The good friend of mine that I talk to has been less available for talking and now he is on his vacation through the middle of this month. But when he gets back he sill still be incredibly busy and the chances of talking to him are remote. I can email (and I have even while he's been gone) him but that's about where the contact with him stands due to his change of work demands at the church. So I know that contact is an unreasonable thing to think over and consider.

I have been able to keep from getting into trouble. Tomorrow I get to see my PCP. She's the greatest and while I feel anxious about what thoughts are going through my mind I will be able to talk with the dr tomorrow about what is going on with me. My app't is the last of the day which should allow us time together. However, there have been times when she's not able to spend extra time with me. Once they had scheduled a patient after my app't she was not too happy about that. Sometimes there is a scheduled meeting that she has to attend. So the app't could be short due to her other duties. I think that when I first see her in the exam room I will ask her about what time I might have and if it ends up being limited then I will only tell her about the dark feelings and what is going on. If I can tell her that I think that I will be able to go forward.....and be OK. I have no choice. I will have to be OK.

It has been incredibly painful, difficult and exhausting not being able to talk to my friend. In late May he told me that he would be more unavailable for the foreseeable future. The best way to contact him was/is through email, but that doesn't help all the time. This friend is one of the only people who can help me to calm down when I get all worked up or upset. His voice alone can calm me. I have a message recorded from him that I can listen to that can help to calm me down, but it hasn't been enough for awhile....it doesn't matter if I listen to it a dozen times, it just isn't enough right now. I feel safe with him and he knows me well so even if I say or do something completely stupid he is able to overlook these times and be able to ignore what needs to be ignored. I know that it isn't fair to expect so much from one person but as there is so much going on in my life he is one of the constants.....and he's not been able to help out as I wish he could. With all that is going on I really need him to help me out....but it isn't happening at this point in time. I do not know when his duties will allow him some time for me.

So that is one reason I will be glad to see my PCP. A problem that I face right now is this friend and I have a promise in place that I have to call him before I do something to hurt myself. He made me agree that when the idea of a new day isn't enough that I have to call to talk to him. I can't break this promise and yet especially right now he isn't available....so I cannot move forward with my ideas. I hope that I can be OK when I see my PCP.

sorry, I didn't think that I would write this much. I haven't been to TBR for weeks because stuff has been overwhelming.
I need to be able to tell the dr about what is going on inside me. I need to tell her and she needs to know. Otherwise I do not know what I will do.
 

Marcellow

No and that’s final
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Been training my new supervisors whose training have been terrible and so they’ve been following me around a lot. Yet I’m being passed over like it’s nothing but getting a pat on the back for the new stuff I’ve been bringing to the department. Yeah that doesn’t put food on the table.

I don’t feel valued with a terrible raise, little to no communication and barely any time with my ETL. I’m so tired of work and I’m starting to crack under the pressure - I need another mental health day soon.
 

pellinore

Life sucks and nothing good can come of it.
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Saw my PCP today. A rough time but I told her everything that is going on and how I am feeling. She said that she thinks that it is time to call my psyche doc or perhaps consider hospitalization. I am not ready for a hospital yet.
I told her all about my darkness and the bad thoughts and what plans are coming together. I would not tell her what my method is. I am not even able to go through with it yet. I have made a promise to someone that I have to call them before I do anything......I re-affirmed my promise earlier this year and I am so angry at myself for doing that. Right now there is a problem. The person that I have to talk to is on vacation....which really ticks me off. all is at a standstill. My thoughts and feelings are so completely screwed up that I can't think straight. My head hurts for having to think so hard. My concentration level has gone to hell and it is just overwhelming. My PCP had questions for me. She understands how I have this stupid promise that I have to keep.

This evening I called my psyche docs office. He doesn't have any cancelled app'ts, but I can go to see his nurse to see what we might be able to do. My PCP was with me for about an hour and then when she asked me about making my next app't in a month I couldn't do that. I think that she has endured enough of me. Because I wasn't making an app't she asked if it was because I thought that I might not be here? I was afraid of what was happening and then when I started to cry I asked if I can see her in two weeks....she said Yes and went with me to make sure that the schedulers knew to set a time for two weeks.
These last few weeks have been horrible. I haven't been able to talk with my friend and now I have to talk to him before I do anything! He's so busy now with his duties that he has told me that he won't be able to be as available to talk as he was before. I get that. Because he's been so busy I have not been able to talk about what is going on. I have not had a "home plate" base for way too long and its catching up with me. So my PCP is who I talked to because she's one of the only people that knows me and who I trust completely.

It has been hard not having a steady support person and with all the new things I am doing and the new friends I am making and now job hunting.......too much to try to deal with and be getting better.....which I now am believing that I won't ever get better....not ever.
Everything is all mixed up. I feel like a pot of soup that someone has stirred a bit too strongly and broth is going over the side and the vegetables are swirling. too much. I can't get much of a handle on anything. I don't even think that I know which way is up.

Anyway, tomorrow I hope that the psych doc's nurse can help me out....and even if he can it is going to take time for things to be different. I hope that all of this makes sense...I just started writing and haven't re-read through any of it. I want to get stuff to be less emotional, less anxious and I want to either feel better or get away from this world.
Don't be too worried people....I have my PCP in the loop. I'll be having my psych dr in the loop too. Hopefully there will be a resolution to these hurting feelings inside of me.
 

Times Up

Formerly PassinTime
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@pellinore Are there any support groups in your area that you can reach out to? Kinda like an AA meeting, but for those suffering from depression. Maybe contact a local hospital and see if they know of any if you can't Google anything?

Keep posting!!!
 

TTGOz

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I've kind of known this a while, but I think the underlying issue of my depression is the "coming of age" I'm experiencing.
Multiple times a week, sometimes a day, I'll just randomly start thinking of all the things I did as a kid that was bratty, spoiled, or otherwise childish and how it probably made my mom and dad feel and it just makes me sad. It's silly things like spilling a $1 McDonalds coke when my dad got us food, or not getting my way and fighting with my mom. Y'know, things we all did when we were literally pre-teens. The coke thing before I was 9 years old for sure.

Or just seeing my dad and noticing how old he's starting to look. Knowing my grandpa just passed, it sort of signals that my parents are the next ones. My Grandma is still alive and healthy for her age so it's not a complete cycle yet. I start to imagine how lonely it feels when your grand-parents pass away, and your mom and dad no longer have any living parents. They know they're next in line. No kids in the house to take care of, no one but the company of each-other most days. Also, with the recent passing of my Grandpa I can't help but worry about my Grandma. Being alone in a house, having to do everything herself, sleep in a bed without the love of her life(They just celebrated their 51st anniversary this year I believe), and all of the other things that come with it.

Like I mean it's stupid things no one should be thinking of at age 20 but I do and it just depresses me. The fact that I'm going to one day be in their shoes makes me anxious, death makes me anxious. My first childhood dog is turning 13 which means she probably has only a few years left, just another part of my life that's going to soon pass.

I feel so pessimistic thinking like this. I know the value of time, I know the value of family, I know that life is so fleeting, but I can't seem to get a grip. I get home from work, do nothing, sleep, work, eat, do nothing, sleep... I'm still doing the car detailing thing but motivation is just at another all-time low.

It'll pass eventually. It doesn't help I haven't been working out, eating healthy, or investing in myself. Instead of getting a gym membership, I just ordered a barbell, a bunch of weights, and a weight bench to start working out at home for $200. I think I really needed this. I was going to just save the money to invest into a car or something else, but then realized I need to invest in myself right now. My car right now is fine, it can wait. I'm not fine, I can't wait. It's different for everyone but working out/eating healthy introduced this mental regime that kept me disciplined, made me confident, and gave me time to just not think about all of the bad in life and think of the good.

/r/offmychest
 

redeye58

Hasta Ba Rista, Baby!
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Your grandfather's death hit you harder than you probably realized at the time & it's thrown you off-kilter, hence not working out or eating healthy is adding to the effect.
Getting back into a healthy routine is a good start; exercise releases endorphins that can help your mood.
Having a weight set/bench at home eliminates excuses for not getting to the gym.
With time you may be able to focus more on the impact your grandfather had on your life & how you can carry that forward in his memory.
Until then, hug your parents & go thru pictures.
 

Times Up

Formerly PassinTime
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I'm not fine, I can't wait. It's different for everyone but working out/eating healthy introduced this mental regime that kept me disciplined, made me confident, and gave me time to just not think about all of the bad in life and think of the good.
Have you considered counseling?
 

band_rules16

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I've been wobbling back and forth between being okay and not. But I can't get past just being "okay". I wish I was more functional and motivated.

I have a job lined up for the fall and moving plans are getting in place. I worked 60 hours a week in June but I'm trying not to do that this month so I'll have time to pack and visit family. But I'm still having to deal with these random depressive episodes. I wish I was past my ex and not thinking about him. I wish I could understand that some people just up and disappear, no matter the promises or how many times they told you that you're amazing. But I just can't.

I can't do much in terms of therapy or meds until my new health insurance kicks in...so I keep holding on for now.
 
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I’m really starting to feel like nothing I do matters.
Is that the definition of Nihilism?
Idk...I just feel empty, and pointless.
I don’t feel like I’m good for anything right now.
 
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I’m really starting to feel like nothing I do matters.
Is that the definition of Nihilism?
Idk...I just feel empty, and pointless.
I don’t feel like I’m good for anything right now.
Target has that effect after a while. Probably because nobody even knows what the expectations are, only that our best efforts aren't enough anymore.
I've said before, If I get one Redcard, they would want two.
If I get two, they want four.
If I get four, they want sixteen.
If, by some miracle, I got sixteen, they would want two hundred fifty-six.
 

Aredhel

Jolly Rancher
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Feb 12, 2017
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Your feelings are common to others, normal and valid. If you didn’t feel dismay that would be unusual. You have an opportunity to look around and decide if the new Spot is a good fit. Quote for @WalksforMiles- or anyone really.
 
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I understand what you both are saying, but I feel like everything I do outside of work is a mistake as well.

I feel like I’m making everyone’s life worse. As if everyone is operating one way, and I’m just not.

I’m losing everyone I know. People don’t want me around when they find out I’m depressed and not normal.

I just want to give up entirely. It was foolish of me to think I could have anyone, be it friends or whatever.

To say the least, I feel like a total burden.
 
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Aredhel

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I understand what you both are saying, but I feel like everything I do outside of work is a mistake as well.

I feel like I’m making everyone’s life worse. As if everyone is operating one way, and I’m just not.

I’m losing everyone I know. People don’t want me around when they find out I’m depressed and not normal.

I just want to give up entirely. It was foolish of me to think I could have anyone, be it friends or whatever.

To say the least, I feel like a total burden.
Everyone and I mean everyone is a burden at some point. Remind yourself what IS working in your life. Keep a sense of perspective. You sound like you can take care of business. And , well, cake. Not too much though.
 

Tessa120

I escaped the asylum!
Joined
Mar 17, 2017
Messages
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I'm outing myself, but I don't give a damn anymore. I just flew across the country for my mother's memorial tomorrow.

I'm all alone, and it's emotionally hard as shit.

And now I'm scared that I made a really bad mistake. My Seroquel knocks me stupid for hours. I'll be incredibly hard to rouse, if I can be woken, and coordination-wise, I can barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom, much less react to a crisis.

And because I flew across the country for my mother's memorial and I'm all alone and because it's July so nearly every place is booked solid, I chose a hostel for inexpensive accommodations. Dorm room, mixed gender. If something bad happens, there's no way I could fight off a frisky roommate, or alert everyone else in the place that I need help.

Why did I think this was a good idea?
 

Militantagnostic

Former associate of the Targetti Crime Syndicate
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I'm outing myself, but I don't give a damn anymore. I just flew across the country for my mother's memorial tomorrow.

I'm all alone, and it's emotionally hard as shit.

And now I'm scared that I made a really bad mistake. My Seroquel knocks me stupid for hours. I'll be incredibly hard to rouse, if I can be woken, and coordination-wise, I can barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom, much less react to a crisis.

And because I flew across the country for my mother's memorial and I'm all alone and because it's July so nearly every place is booked solid, I chose a hostel for inexpensive accommodations. Dorm room, mixed gender. If something bad happens, there's no way I could fight off a frisky roommate, or alert everyone else in the place that I need help.

Why did I think this was a good idea?
Just be calm, get to know the other people and if things seem sketchy be concocting an escape plan. I never stayed in a hostel, but if the environment seems chill you should be good. If the reviews of the place are good then you should be fine. Hope everything works out.
 
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