Anyone here deal with mental illness?

commiecorvus

Former Signing Ninja
Staff member
Moderator
Joined
Jun 10, 2011
Messages
16,633
I'm outing myself, but I don't give a damn anymore. I just flew across the country for my mother's memorial tomorrow.

I'm all alone, and it's emotionally hard as shit.

And now I'm scared that I made a really bad mistake. My Seroquel knocks me stupid for hours. I'll be incredibly hard to rouse, if I can be woken, and coordination-wise, I can barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom, much less react to a crisis.

And because I flew across the country for my mother's memorial and I'm all alone and because it's July so nearly every place is booked solid, I chose a hostel for inexpensive accommodations. Dorm room, mixed gender. If something bad happens, there's no way I could fight off a frisky roommate, or alert everyone else in the place that I need help.

Why did I think this was a good idea?
Tessa, I'm not going to tell you this isn't a bad situation because it really is in a lot of ways.
Your stress levels must be off the charts.
Any one factor would be challenging but add them all together and it must be really hard on you.

I can only suggest breaking them down into individual pieces.

Perhaps lowering the dosage on the Seroquel while you are on your trip (say cutting the pill in half).
Don't go off it but don't take so much that it knocks you loopy.

If you have data and a smartphone, keep in touch regularly with someone at home via Skype.
It isn't the same but it will take the pressure off.
(edit) It might be worth jumping up your data a bit for the month just to do this. The investment will be worth it.

Memorials suck.
I'd suggest drinking a lot but I looked up Seroquel and it doesn't look like that's a good combo.
Cry, eat, (if you are Irish, punch someone - I can make that joke, I'm Irish).

Hostels are usually pretty safe spaces.
Try to think of it as an adventure, like you are 20 and traveling cross country.
Attitude is everything.

My deepest condolences for your loss.
So sorry you have to go through all this as well.
 
Last edited:

Tessa120

I escaped the asylum!
Joined
Mar 17, 2017
Messages
2,772
Thanks @Militantagnostic @commiecorvus . I kept waking up because I was so worried I'd sleep through my phone's alarm, I've never used it, it was fine. The other three people didn't even snore, yay. I'm sure they hated me, my daughter does.

I can't reduce my Seroquel at all. Antipsychotics broke something in my brain and I am completely unable to sleep without them anymore. Lack of sleep plus physical withdrawal makes me sick as a dog. I'm also starting to gain a tolerance to the side effects of all my medications and I sometimes struggle to initially fall asleep even with the Seroquel. I tried partial dosing last trip and that still made myself pretty sick the next day.

I didn't really think about my medication until I walked into the room and the German guy was in there. I'm sure that it was simply a cultural thing, but he asked questions that were a little too, wanting familiarity I guess.

The memorial was hard. It was the first time ever I've seen my dad cry. Me, I bounced back and forth between crying pretty hard and nothing, just nothing. Before the service started I read her last text messages to me, about two weeks before she died, she talked about post-hospital plans. She never made it out of the hospital.

There was one thing I didn't like, silly little thing. In the obituary where it listed all of the survivors, it listed her two brothers and the wife of one of the brothers. I wish it had either been no wife at all or wife and the other brother's ex wife. They are still good friends, they were together until well after my cousin graduated from college, they were together longer than my other uncle and his wife. But family politics, the married uncle and his wife are still very angry that she (ex) left my uncle. Because there's been enough squabbling as it is over how my mom died, my dad opted for peace between the living. My father has no problem in not backing down from an argument, but choose your battles.

Right now, I'm exhausted. I don't even know why I'm downstairs on my laptop instead of taking a nap. Maybe because the body needs sleep but the brain isn't ready for it.

My daughter called me in tears last night. My cat is really acting funny, hiding all the time, won't eat his treats. It's his time to go, I know it. Unless there's like severe pain or something, I'm going to let him pass at home. I wish I had done that with my other cat, instead of sub-q fluids and two frightening vet visits, she was so scared she purred both vet trips and she had never done that before.

But....what happens to the third cat? He was in a deep depression last time, losing the other cat will be very hard. He will need a buddy. He's an odd cat, every cat he sees is, in his mind, a new friend. Outside, in the house in his territory, it doesn't matter, that's a friend that just doesn't know it yet. But if I move a stranger into the home too soon after Montressor passes, it might seem to be an interloper taking advantage of the territory vacuum and Midway might be defensive instead. Too bad they try to hide everything so even observation doesn't allow us silly humans to know what they are thinking.
 

TTGOz

Suitable
Joined
Jul 24, 2016
Messages
2,167
Just witnessed my first real life mental break down.
At my work today, a co-worker was scheduled outside of her normal area in the department and helping me out in my area(pretty sure against her will) but I tried to keep it light and fun, she was doing okay. I asked if she could stock a number of items we had just boxed and she said "sure!" and I asked if she knows how we rotate items. She says "Yeah, I do." and reminded her "Okay cool it's just new stuff goes on the bottom, and the old stuff stays on top." and at first she was like "no.. that's not how I was taught." and I I said "just do what you think is right then!"

She goes out to stock, and she comes back and we're going to start team-wrapping more products. I notice my manager is out there checking the product she just stocked and rearranging it. A few minutes later, she comes back and says "hey, x, can you come outside with me? ... and TTGOz, too." so we both walk out there and she begins explaining how we should be rotating and stocking products. This co-worker is always very defensive when she's told she's doing something wrong, kind of hard to work with but bearable.

So, she begins explaining and my co-worker, beginning to get visibly confused, starts to recoil a tiny bit. Down the line, we're examining another set of product she merchandised and my manager says "Hey, it looks like you did that right!" and she goes "Yeah, I did do something right." and my manager retorts "I know... that's why I'm telling you." and then she dug in a bit and realized it wasn't right. A short exchange later, co-worker throws her hands up and storms off frustrated. My manager then told me she had me along just to make sure it felt equal that both of us were there just to avoid that. "You're doing a great job... I haven't noticed anything wrong with how you stock." etc etc. Manager clocks out, I leave for a break.

I come back and find out my co-worker was sobbing uncontrollably and left the store mid-shift. The other workers were being slightly judgmental so I said "hey, there's probably something going on, so, we shouldn't be saying that." and left it at that.

In situations like that, it's entirely best to never judge someone or get irritated with them because they left mid-shift, even if they said they might not even return. She did end up returning, she's going through a rough time with the job and that's it. An executive came down and talked to her and helped her a lot. She says she's coming back in tomorrow, so I'm hoping she does. She's been struggling immensely and doesn't take criticism too well, but I think she forgets that it's okay to do something wrong and to learn about it. Everyone needs to be a little less selfish and think about the others around them.

I'm really only writing this because the other co-workers annoyed me, they shouldn't have been irritated. It's time people in the workplace realize the toll it takes on others since it's very different from one another. Time to be less selfish, talk to someone who is struggling, try to help them, no matter how hard it is to get them to listen. If anything, just talk to them. After she returned, I asked her if everything's going alright, she threw on a fake smile and said "yes, I'm just extremely stressed with the pace of the work." and me, not wanting to push it entirely, left it at "I know, it's fast and time-related goals only make the work more stressful. Just know we care about your feelings, and our manager doesn't coach you for nothing. She wants us to be the very best and only wants to see us succeed." and that was that.

I get it, the job IS hard... it's fast-paced, time goals can seem a little impossible, maybe it's different for me, I just don't stress easily. I take coachings in pride and apply it to everything. This has been 200% a better experience for me than Target and I've never received so much training for a job in my life. Hopefully one day she'll see that, I hope she's doing okay now after talking about it with upper management. Maybe I'll ask on Friday, or maybe it'll be above her. The thing is with trying to ask someone how they are actually doing is you never want to bring it up if they don't want to. For me, I can't just stay quiet but I also need to respect it. Maybe just a simple "How are you doing now?" will suffice.

maybe you guys can help me out with that last part.
 

Tessa120

I escaped the asylum!
Joined
Mar 17, 2017
Messages
2,772
Step forward, step back. I just came home from euthanizing my cat. I wanted him to die at home where he would be comfortable and secure, but when I got home today it was clear his body was too much pain, his mind too little joy. I may have waited a day too late. He was clinging to life beyond all reason today.

While the vet was injecting the drugs, I was petting him. I mentioned he was still purring, it turned out he was already dead, had been dead for about a minute. Even hearing that, I could still feel his neck/throat vibrating. She checked vitals several times from several different areas.

I feel guilty. I took him to the vet in late May, he had arthritis really bad and I decided I wanted to try a steroid injection for pain. Two days after the vet he started sneezing. He had a course of antibiotics to prevent secondary infections, but the illness was viral, and he couldn't fight it off. He got no pain relief from the shot, and he got a respiratory virus that killed him. At that visit the doctor and the assistant both said he did not look like a 20 year old cat. Today, roughly six weeks later, this vet said that his body was very bad off, it was shutting down.

And tomorrow I have to sound cheery for 5 hours of phone work. I can't call out, my only coworker is in Vegas and I'm in my 90 days.

I called my husband and asked him to come home, he can't because he's closing. So all I did was put him in tears while at work for no gain.

Two years ago I had to make this same choice. I only realized it at the tail end, but despite being completely stable on my medication at the time, her death triggered a full mania/depression cycle. I spent weeks thinking that people driving cars were literally intending harm or death. I'm going to remind my husband, have him watch me for that.
 
Joined
Jun 8, 2011
Messages
27,710
Step forward, step back. I just came home from euthanizing my cat. I wanted him to die at home where he would be comfortable and secure, but when I got home today it was clear his body was too much pain, his mind too little joy. I may have waited a day too late. He was clinging to life beyond all reason today.

While the vet was injecting the drugs, I was petting him. I mentioned he was still purring, it turned out he was already dead, had been dead for about a minute. Even hearing that, I could still feel his neck/throat vibrating. She checked vitals several times from several different areas.

I feel guilty. I took him to the vet in late May, he had arthritis really bad and I decided I wanted to try a steroid injection for pain. Two days after the vet he started sneezing. He had a course of antibiotics to prevent secondary infections, but the illness was viral, and he couldn't fight it off. He got no pain relief from the shot, and he got a respiratory virus that killed him. At that visit the doctor and the assistant both said he did not look like a 20 year old cat. Today, roughly six weeks later, this vet said that his body was very bad off, it was shutting down.

And tomorrow I have to sound cheery for 5 hours of phone work. I can't call out, my only coworker is in Vegas and I'm in my 90 days.

I called my husband and asked him to come home, he can't because he's closing. So all I did was put him in tears while at work for no gain.

Two years ago I had to make this same choice. I only realized it at the tail end, but despite being completely stable on my medication at the time, her death triggered a full mania/depression cycle. I spent weeks thinking that people driving cars were literally intending harm or death. I'm going to remind my husband, have him watch me for that.
Hang in there. I know your pain about your kitty. You were there, that's matters the most.
 

Black Sheep 214

Kiss no butts, give no fox
Joined
Apr 27, 2018
Messages
1,370
Step forward, step back. I just came home from euthanizing my cat. I wanted him to die at home where he would be comfortable and secure, but when I got home today it was clear his body was too much pain, his mind too little joy. I may have waited a day too late. He was clinging to life beyond all reason today.

While the vet was injecting the drugs, I was petting him. I mentioned he was still purring, it turned out he was already dead, had been dead for about a minute. Even hearing that, I could still feel his neck/throat vibrating. She checked vitals several times from several different areas.

I feel guilty. I took him to the vet in late May, he had arthritis really bad and I decided I wanted to try a steroid injection for pain. Two days after the vet he started sneezing. He had a course of antibiotics to prevent secondary infections, but the illness was viral, and he couldn't fight it off. He got no pain relief from the shot, and he got a respiratory virus that killed him. At that visit the doctor and the assistant both said he did not look like a 20 year old cat. Today, roughly six weeks later, this vet said that his body was very bad off, it was shutting down.

And tomorrow I have to sound cheery for 5 hours of phone work. I can't call out, my only coworker is in Vegas and I'm in my 90 days.

I called my husband and asked him to come home, he can't because he's closing. So all I did was put him in tears while at work for no gain.

Two years ago I had to make this same choice. I only realized it at the tail end, but despite being completely stable on my medication at the time, her death triggered a full mania/depression cycle. I spent weeks thinking that people driving cars were literally intending harm or death. I'm going to remind my husband, have him watch me for that.
Condolences. So sorry for the loss of your cat. You did everything you could to make him happy and comfortable, so please don’t feel guilty. From what my vet says, cats do everything possible to hide the fact that they are sick and by the time they can’t hide it anymore it is often too late and they deteriorate quickly. That’s what happened to my boy last year with kidney failure. Hang in there and take care. Good luck at work tomorrow, hope it goes well.
 

Tessa120

I escaped the asylum!
Joined
Mar 17, 2017
Messages
2,772
Bedtime.

We had him 18 years, we got him from a shelter when he was 2. I'm not quite sure when it started, but he shared my pillow. We fought back and forth for years over where his paws could be in relation to my face and other minutia. The pillows have an official layout for his spot and my spot.

So tonight, how do I arrange my pillows?
 

Tessa120

I escaped the asylum!
Joined
Mar 17, 2017
Messages
2,772
He was 20, but only 18 years with us. I like to get full grown cats because everyone gets kittens from shelters while adult cats have slim chances.

On Christmas Eve my mom was in the hospital with pancreatitis and hadn't woken up for a few days. I woke up, petted the cat and he didn't seem to be breathing. He was really out of it, I had to shake him hard to get him awake.

I very rarely pray, I dont believe in bartering with a higher power ("god I'll do x if you do y") nor do I think myself and my woes any more special than the other 7 billion people. But Christmas Eve i asked god to not let my mother or my cat die on Christmas Eve or Christmas.

My mom died December 26th. Last Saturday I went home to her memorial, I saw her urn holding her ashes, and this Saturday I cremated my cat.

And to make it more fun, my other cat was also 20 when she died and I euthanized her on July 30.

I'm really starting to hate the month of July.
 

pellinore

Life sucks and nothing good can come of it.
Joined
Jun 16, 2011
Messages
1,992
Tessa, I am sorry that you are having so many things to have to deal with and endure. I have no words to share other than to say...take it one small step at a time and know that your fellow friends on this thread care for you and wish for you all the best.
 

pellinore

Life sucks and nothing good can come of it.
Joined
Jun 16, 2011
Messages
1,992
Hey gang, lots to say, but for now I only have a little bit of energy.
My app't with my psych Dr nurse was just the start of my latest experience.
July 9 to July 19 were days that I spent in a stabilizing facility....in other words I was hospitalized in a mental health facility. Was pretty set on killing myself.
Anyway, I'm out for now. All is difficult but I do have a couple of people who I know are here for me.
Working on a few things. Missing my friend that I haven't been able to talk to due to his busy schedule-but I can still email him.

I see my PCP tomorrow afternoon. I'm eager to see her.....I need to see her. There's been a lot that has happened since my last visit 13 days ago. I'vee left a few messages on her office voicemail and she's been in the loop to receive info from the hospital. If it were appropriate to say, I wold say that, as a person I really do love her.

Anyway, there's much to tell and a ton of things for me to work on. I'll work on telling more later.

I've read through a few of the latest posts and it is clear that there are a lot of us "posters" are having some awfully difficult times. I'd like to ask everyone to keep our partners in health in your thoughts or prayers.....even those who are here and haven't posted anything. We're all in this together.
 

redeye58

Hasta Ba Rista, Baby!
Joined
Jun 9, 2011
Messages
18,629
My condolences, Tessa.
Having had to euthanize our old kitty recently, I share your pain.
The sock offering is a good idea.
 

band_rules16

Wave Master
Joined
Jun 10, 2011
Messages
467
I'm so sorry, @Tessa120. We put down our golden retriever in 2008 and it was so hard. I still tear up sometimes thinking about that dog. He was definitely a good boy. I remember the worst part was always listening for his tags to jingle as he moved from room to room during the night, checking on all of us...and the jingles were no longer there.

Finally got the courage to make an appointment about medication...to only find out the campus provider is not available this week. (I'm stuck still going to campus until I get my new insurance and move.) I also had to have my old clinic fax my info over, so in short, I'm still waiting. I was hoping to get started on meds before I start my new job, but maybe that won't happen.
 

Tessa120

I escaped the asylum!
Joined
Mar 17, 2017
Messages
2,772
You'll make it to the next available appointment. It'll be hard to start the job when not stable, but I'm sure you can hold it together long enough to get off the clock.
 

pellinore

Life sucks and nothing good can come of it.
Joined
Jun 16, 2011
Messages
1,992
hi. This evening I feel sadness and don't quite know why.
On Tuesday I actually saw my friend (the busy one....) at the Library. As I was leaving the parking lot I saw him....said "hello." Then he told me that it was good to see me. I looked at him and said that I didn't know how to respond to what he said. He told me that it was a statement and that there was nothing that I needed to say. Then I tolld him that we needed to talk to him about a promise (that I have to call him before I do anything) because I wanted to change it. He told me that this promise was not negotiable....that this is a promise that lasts all my life.
I don't like this promise because I was stuck in a waiting pattern and couldn't do anything....and that was a big part of my going to the hospital. he was unreachable because he was on vacation. I couldn't do anything or I would be breaking my promise. Promises are very important to me. My goal now is to figure out a way to get out of this promise. Part of the problem is that I have to talk to him before doing anything. Of course, when I have to talk to him I don't have to tell him why I am calling him.
Maybe this won't be as difficult as I am anticipating.....hmm...
I am not feeling very steady. I hope that I start to feel a little more normal reallly soon.
 

Tessa120

I escaped the asylum!
Joined
Mar 17, 2017
Messages
2,772
@pellinore Reread your post in the third person. We'll call that hypothetical person Alice.

Alice has made a promise to a friend that she will call and speak to him prior to hurting herself in some way. She wants out of that promise, that she can hurt herself and talk later. Alice's friend said nope, deal breaker, call first so she doesn't hurt herself. The entire point of the promise was to stop all harm. But now Alice is trying to find a loophole so she can harm herself first, call later. And this is the point that is borderline delusion, Alice thinks if she can find that loophole she can obliterate the promise while still keeping the friend who said flat out the promise was non negotiable and non changeable.

Alice is wanting the right to harm or even kill herself. That's pretty bad. She wants those who care to be stuck watching the fallout instead of preventing the harm in the first place or removing themselves from seeing it.

That's a bad situation all around. Alice hurts, the people around her hurt. In my daily life I call mental illness a nuclear bomb, it blows up not just the sick person's life but also those around and even strangers whose paths happen to cross.

And I do understand being trapped in that situation. There's a reason I lose count after 30 of the number of scars on my arms and why my husband said deal breaker, divorce if I kept adding to that total.

Pell, you are at a crisis apex. You can either ease down the way you came or you can jump off the edge and the landing won't be pretty. Your medication is all fucked up, something is seriously wrong with the process for what to try and what to ignore. Therapy doesn't seem to be working, whether it's trust issues or simply your brain is too sick right now to learn how to live healthy. You need an advocate. You need someone who will look directly into all your providers' eyes and insist they justify why they are doing what they are doing.

Call NAMI and ask if they know of someone who can act as an advocate. Call RAINN. Call your state department of Rehabilitative Services. Call the patient advocate at the hospital for recommendations. Call social services. Ask your PCP for a referral.

And ask your family. Maybe they want to help but they dont know how to express it in a way you can hear. Look for someone who wants to do what's best for you and give that person medical power of attorney that allows them to act on your behalf immediately instead of waiting for incapacitation.

You need this. Trying to find a way past a promise meant to keep you healthy so you can deliberately injure yourself means you are so ill you can't see how screwed up that is and that you have lost hope for getting better. You dont need a way around a promise that stops injury. You need an advocate that is familiar with treating chronic illness who will ask the hard questions about your treatment.

And I've noticed in your posts that there is a lot of miscommunication in your daily life, that you think you are told one thing and it turns out wrong, and that people don't understand what you are actually trying to say. Look hard at that, if that's actually impeding your medical treatment because the doctor and therapist don't know how you are really feeling, if they think you are feeling better or differently and that disconnect is affecting treatment protocol.

And yeah, advocate.
 

pellinore

Life sucks and nothing good can come of it.
Joined
Jun 16, 2011
Messages
1,992
I now understand what you are saying Tessa.

The biggest problem right now is that I'm neither in the "smart thinking mode" nor in the "stupid thoughts zone." right now I am about as middle of the road as I can be with my thoughts.
As I am "smart thinking" I understand exactly why calling my friend is a must.
When I cross the line to my "stupid thoughts" the only thing I see is that this required call is a burden to deal with. AS I am waffling between these things my whole thought process keeps changing. Mostly I am finding myself leaning to the stupid thoughts direction. However, I have a cousin that I can talk to and text and she's been keeping me focused when I go towards the darkness and stupid thoughts. She helped me to get to be looking at t he possibility of going to the hospital. She also is the one who wouldn't let me move forward by not calling my friend and following through my plan. She said that promise meant that I had to speak with him before doing anything and she said that it wasn't his fault that I couldn't call him. So I had to wait and then go to see my psych doctor because I couldn't call him. My cousin was quite instrumental in getting me to do the right thing.
We're in almost constant contact and her words and my PCP are the two people that are helping me to do smart things.
 

Tessa120

I escaped the asylum!
Joined
Mar 17, 2017
Messages
2,772
Maybe she could be your official advocate. Maybe she could sometimes go with you, into the treatment room, when you see the doctor. I'm glad you have her.

I've given my husband medical power of attorney, and I was careful to write it to where he has legal right to my medical treatment at all times, not just when I'm incapacitated. That way he doesn't have to waste time trying to have me declared incapacitated if I'm in a psychiatric crisis. I can't trust him with other women, but I know that I can trust him with my health. He hasn't done so in a while, but when I was more fragile he would go to my appointments and ask why things were and weren't being tried. It really helps when you can't really think healthy enough to direct treatment to get you out of severe mental impairment.
 

pellinore

Life sucks and nothing good can come of it.
Joined
Jun 16, 2011
Messages
1,992
Yes, I'm sure that my cousin could be my advocate, the problem is that she lives 2.5 hours away from where I live and a solid 3 from where my psychiatrist is. So not quite a workable solution.

Since being home I've been trying to get to bed around midnight. While midnight is late for most people, it is early for me. It has only been a little over 10 days since I got home, I am trying to do good on this new goal. I have been waking up early.....8-10am and then I try to do all of my "computer" stuff in the morning. While I am not adhering to my new rule, I think that I am doing pretty well.

In general, my spirits continue to be uneven, but I understand that this should go away as the abilify reaches its clinical effective level.
 
Top