Did You Hear The One About --

Joined
Jun 8, 2011
Messages
396
#1
I thought it would be fun if we had a topic where we could share jokes. Perhaps this will draw some of the lurkers out. That's part of my plan, anyway. ;)

A man called 911 & told the operator someone was robbing his shed. He was told to lock his doors, but they had no one in the area to respond to his call. He hung up the phone and counted to thirty. He then called 911 again and said, "I just called about the men robbing my shed. Just wanted you to know I shot them both." Very shortly after that he heard sirens and police cars arrived outside his home. The policemen caught the thieves and asked, "I thought you said you shot them." To which he replied, "I thought you had no one in the area to respond."
 
OP
OP
Bullseye Flow TM
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#2
On vacation, a man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a snack at the restaurant, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, a train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. But just a few minutes later a train again shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager who says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. He takes one look at the manager lying in bed with his wife and yells, "Hey! What are you doing in here!?"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
 

commiecorvus

Former Signing Ninja
Staff member
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#3
Not very good with jokes mostly really bad puns which I will spare everyone but I do have a favorite limerick if that's ok.
It's super nerdy but clean.

There was a young lady named Bright
Who could travel at speeds much faster then light
She set out one day
In a relative way
And returned the previous night.

Ok a little pun.

My thanks to Arthur C. Clarke
 
OP
OP
Bullseye Flow TM
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#4
Keep it Down!

An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?"

She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed.

The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments."

The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean by $500?"
------------------------------------------------
Don't Forget The Mirror

A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards.

Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!
 
OP
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Bullseye Flow TM
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#5
Dying granny was talking to her granddaughter. "I may die any minute so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse, all the livestock and $22,389,630.00 cash". "WOW!!" said the granddaughter "Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm and all this wealth! Where is it??" Granny says with her last dying breath..... (are you ready for this?)


It's on facebook.
 
Joined
Jun 9, 2011
Messages
100
#6
It's a long one..

He spent the first day packing his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When he had finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.


He then cleaned up the kitchen and left… When the wife returned with her new boyfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-husband called the lady and asked how things were going.
She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for getting his house back.

Knowing her ex-husband had no idea how bad the smell was, she agreed on a price that was about 1/10 th of what the house had been worth, but only if he were to sign the papers that very day.

He agreed and within the hour her lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the lady and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home…..

And to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods.
 

The Mule

Jack Of All Workcenters
Joined
Jun 9, 2011
Messages
344
#7
Since this is fresh in my mind from a recent game of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic...

"There are two Mandalorians out in the woods. One of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other Mandalorian takes out his communicator and contacts his commander. He gasps: "My partner has collapsed! I don't know what to do!" After a moment, the commander responds: "Calm down. I can help. First let's make sure your partner is dead." There is a silence then a blaster shot is heard. Back on the communicator, the Mandalorian says: "Okay, now what?"" ―Mandalorian Joke
 
Joined
Jun 18, 2011
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1,917
#11
I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.
Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps :thumbsup:
 

lovecats

Free At Last!
Joined
Jun 9, 2011
Messages
1,109
#12
I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.
Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps :thumbsup:
:D:D:D
 
OP
OP
Bullseye Flow TM
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Messages
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#13
Father & son went hunting together for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be VERY QUIET. I'll be across the field."A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream & ran back to his son asking "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."The son answered "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the 2 chipmunks crawled up my pant legs & said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked!"
 

redeye58

Hasta Ba Rista, Baby!
Joined
Jun 9, 2011
Messages
17,893
#14
The businessman was planning on meeting his girlfriend during an out-of-town trip but told his wife he was going fishing.
"Be sure & pack me some clean underwear, woman!" he bellowed at his wife.
"Yeah, yeah" she muttered.
After he returned, he stormed into the house. "Dang it, woman! Didn't I tell you to pack me some clean underwear for my fishing trip?"
"Yeah" she replied.
"Well" he yelled, "Why didn't you?"
"I did" she calmly responded.
"Where?" he thundered.
"In your tackle box."
 
OP
OP
Bullseye Flow TM
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Messages
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#15
After he returned, he stormed into the house. " Didn't I tell you to pack me some clean underwear for my fishing trip?"
"Yeah" she replied.
"Well" he yelled, "Why didn't you?"
"I did" she calmly responded.
"Where?" he thundered.
"In your tackle box."
Smart woman! LOL Thanks for sharing, Red.
 

commiecorvus

Former Signing Ninja
Staff member
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15,824
#16
A TM, a TL, and the ETL are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish”
“Me first! Me first!” says the TM. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”
Poof! She’s gone. “
Me next! Me next!” says the TL. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.
“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the ETL.
The ETL thinks for a minute and says, “I want those two back in the store after lunch.”
 

redeye58

Hasta Ba Rista, Baby!
Joined
Jun 9, 2011
Messages
17,893
#20
The 6-yr-old was asking his grandpa a question:
"Grandpa, what's it called when somebody sleeps on top of somebody else?"
The grandpa hemmed & hawed before giving the boy a cursory explanation about intercourse. The boy walked away pondering his answer.
Later, he ran up to his grandpa & said, "Grandpa, you were wrong! It's called BUNKBEDS! And Aunt Betty wants to have a talk with you...."
 

Formina Sage💯

Probably still better than you at the stacker
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#21
Mr. Gordon was doing a study testing the senses of first
graders using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.


The children began to say;
"Red...................cherry",
"Yellow..............lemon",
"Green................lime",
"Orange..............orange"


Finally Gordon gave them all honey lifesavers.


After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.


"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may call your father at times."


One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled:
"Ewwww, spit them out! They're assholes!!!'
 
OP
OP
Bullseye Flow TM
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#24
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.
 
OP
OP
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#26
THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER! Dear Wife, I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘ You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you wont get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Heck & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
 

redeye58

Hasta Ba Rista, Baby!
Joined
Jun 9, 2011
Messages
17,893
#27
A farm wife came home unexpectedly one evening to find her husband in bed with another woman.
Summoning all her strength from years of farm work & fury, she dragged her husband to the barn. There she clamped his manhood tightly in a vise, removing the handle.
She then picked up a rusty saw blade & walked toward him.
The cheater yelped "Now, hon, yer not gonna saw it off, are ye?"
She picked up a box of matches, handed him the blade as she walked toward the haybales.
"No, darlin', YOU are. I'm settin' the barn on fire!"
 

pzychopopgroove

cyberpunk//my little pony
Joined
Sep 23, 2011
Messages
1,655
#28
A farm wife came home unexpectedly one evening to find her husband in bed with another woman.
Summoning all her strength from years of farm work & fury, she dragged her husband to the barn. There she clamped his manhood tightly in a vise, removing the handle.
She then picked up a rusty saw blade & walked toward him.
The cheater yelped "Now, hon, yer not gonna saw it off, are ye?"
She picked up a box of matches, handed him the blade as she walked toward the haybales.
"No, darlin', YOU are. I'm settin' the barn on fire!"
LMAO reminds me of a scene from the first Saw movie...
 
OP
OP
Bullseye Flow TM
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Messages
396
#29
How to Handle Teens

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace.
 

redeye58

Hasta Ba Rista, Baby!
Joined
Jun 9, 2011
Messages
17,893
#30
The principal at school had summoned the girls to the restrooms to address the problem of lipstick on the mirrors. Girls were applying their lipstick, then 'smooching' the mirror leaving lipstick kisses all over.
The principal had the custodian come in so he could show the girls how he was having to clean the mirrors each day.
"Mr. Bradley, if you would demonstrate..."
Bradley dunked a toilet brush in a toilet, swished the wet brush across the mirror, then wiped it dry.
"Any questions?"
 
OP
OP
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Messages
396
#31
Memories and Good Fortune

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked,so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, "I love you,Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it,they took it home. There, she counted the money. It totaled fifty thousand dollars. Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money,and knock on the door. "Pardon me,but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here!!!"
 

pzychopopgroove

cyberpunk//my little pony
Joined
Sep 23, 2011
Messages
1,655
#32
The principal at school had summoned the girls to the restrooms to address the problem of lipstick on the mirrors. Girls were applying their lipstick, then 'smooching' the mirror leaving lipstick kisses all over.
The principal had the custodian come in so he could show the girls how he was having to clean the mirrors each day.
"Mr. Bradley, if you would demonstrate..."
Bradley dunked a toilet brush in a toilet, swished the wet brush across the mirror, then wiped it dry.
"Any questions?"
I don't get it?
 
OP
OP
Bullseye Flow TM
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Jun 8, 2011
Messages
396
#34
Tech Support

Jim works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille."

He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name," was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

Another technical problem solved.
 

FrontEndKnowItAll

Former PFresh Assistant
Joined
Jun 15, 2011
Messages
336
#35
Okay I owe this one to one of my friends who probably owes it to the internet, any way its dumb and whenever anyone mentions the word "panda" we all give him a dirty look and hope to Gregg he doesn't start this joke again... enjoy!

A panda walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a sandwich, when the bartender asks how his food was the panda shoots him in the foot. As the panda gets up to leave the manager yells "What the hell, you just shot my bartender in the foot and now your just going to leave?" The panda responds "I'm a panda, look it up!"

The manager rushes to his dictionary and looks up panda. "pan*da n. (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) A rare, mountain dwelling mammal of China and Tibet, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
 
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