Archived Funny conversations

[pzychopopgroove]

Funniest Conversations ever had in the store?

This can be over the walkie, in person, you name it. I personally have a few for your enjoyment!


For #1 it helps to know that I am actually male:

The first one comes from when I was a cashier a few days ago! Got a good chuckle out of the 3 guests in my line!

I was checking out the guest, scanning items, making small talk, and the guest notices my nametag.

"Hey, you're not chelsea! What did you do to chelsea?"
(my actual nametag got fubar'd in the wash and I've been too lazy to ask HR for another one, plus I can joke and tell my coworkers and guests that the witness protection program changes my name so much yet doesn't change where I work

So I look the guest in the eye, and say in a semi sad/serious/joking tone, "Sir, I just got out of prison for that...."
Queue immature laughs from the guest, myself, and my coworker 2 registers down from mine.



This next one comes from a closing cart attendant shift I had a few weeks ago. The closing LOD was the ETL-GE, a pretty fun person who has since transferred to another store. I miss her. AAAAAnyway...

I brought the trash and defectives to the back, meanwhile the LOD was throwing crap into the compactor, and asks for my help in lifting an ungodly heavy bag from produce into the compactor with this line:

"Hey Jeff, can you come here for a second and lift this bag in here? I think there's a body in it"

I let out a nice chuckle, walk over to said cart...

"(LOD name) you cannot be serious..."

I try and pick up the bag and in God's great name it's the heaviest damned thing I have ever had to lift...
(And I'm a pretty big dude, even I had a hard time lifting it...)

I mouth the words "Mother!@#$er this is heavy" without letting a sound escape my lips...

I look at her and says "This feels like the body of one of my ex girlfriends. Please for the love of all that is holy do not report this? I've been looking for a place to hide the body for months..."

I kid you not she turns red in the face and laughs her ass off right then and there.

 

[pzychopopgroove]

I forgot to post this one but at my particular store we have a "Safety Turkey" located up at TSC.. From my understanding you carry it around, ask a team member a safety related question (what's the max carts you push by hand, ect) that sort of deal.

So I was buggering off a week ago during my lunch, put it on my head and tie the feet around my neck..

I run up behind the AP person at my store, and go "GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE!" repeatedly, she turns looks at me and gives me the most horrid look ever...

Then she says "That looks like a penis on your head..."


I laugh hysterically and take it off my head, then AP lady starts walking away and I jokingly place it on her head, saying "Now the penis is on your head (NAME)!"

The other coworker in the break room at that moment bursts out laughing and says "(name) probably would not mind that one.."

I look at other coworker in the eye mortified that she would even say that, and then I burst out laughing so hard my sides and stomach end up hurting.

 

[SouthernThunder]

This wasn't really a "conversation," but it's the first thing that popped into my head when I read this thread.

Late one night, I was the closing manager at a convenience store and I was also the person working the front.

I had this girl come in, cellphone, glued to her ear.

I said hello and she never even heard me.

She walked every aisle and passed the cooler twice, talking on the phone the entire time and then headed back toward the door.

I asked, "Did we not have what you needed?"

She replied, "I wanted a coke but you don't have any" and headed on out the door.

Yep, honey, we're the only store in America that doesn't sell cokes.

 

[pzychopopgroove]

This wasn't really a "conversation," but it's the first thing that popped into my head when I read this thread.

Late one night, I was the closing manager at a convenience store and I was also the person working the front.

I had this girl come in, cellphone, glued to her ear.

I said hello and she never even heard me.

She walked every aisle and passed the cooler twice, talking on the phone the entire time and then headed back toward the door.

I asked, "Did we not have what you needed?"

She replied, "I wanted a coke but you don't have any" and headed on out the door.

Yep, honey, we're the only store in America that doesn't sell cokes.

I spit out my beer upon reading this. YOU OWE ME ONE!!!!!11111!!1!oneoneoneelebentyone!!!!

Sorry, I had to imitate a "guest"

But in all seriousness, LOL.

 

[Target Chick]

Not a convo but the operator trying to do the closing announcements after dealing with a rude guest (she was frazzled).

"Good evening Target cust...guests. Our store is closing now...I mean, 15 minutes. Please take your cart to the serv...front lanes with your final selections. Our store hours tomorrow are from 9...8 am to 10...9 pm. Thank you for choosing Target and have a nice day...evening. Oh, my God. That was horrible. ... What do you mean I'm still overhead...CRAP!"

I was laughing so hard I had to the cash box from hell back into the CO to use the restroom.

 

[redeye58]

...like when the operator made an overhead announcement for a guest to return to pharmacy (Rx was ready) then went back to her personal call on her cell w/o realizing she was still on overhead until an ETL called clerical @^@

 

[tellmeaboutatime]

I overheard a couple in a heated argument. He said "I didn't say you were fat, I said you weren't THAT fat". It made my day!

 

[pzychopopgroove]

We have team members who answer walkie calls in the bathroom. And you can totally tell because of the echo and/or flush. That's so gross. I always turn my walkie off when I use the bathroom.

I do that when I am being called for lol.

 

[Guest Attendant]

Here's one i heard a looong time ago at my old store...

GSTL: Cart Attendant, the restrooms need attention.
CA: Ya ill be in in a sec, lemme get these last bit of carts.

5 minutes pass

CA: Umm, GSTL, Bathroom needs your attention.
GSTL: Sorry im watching the lanes right now, what is it concerning?
CA: I think a Poo-Bomb went off in here. It's like, everywhere! Even the ceiling!
GSTL: Oh dear lord..
ETL-GE: Someone call for me?

At my current store this would have gotten some coachings but that store was on a large college campus so everyone there was rather laid back and witty.

ahhhhhh the memories!

 

[3LetterDevil]

We had a guest come to the pharmacy window to pick up her Rx while talkin on her cell phone...
OMG!! It was HUGE!!! I told him "You're not sticking that thing inside me! I don't care HOW MUCH lube you use, that thing is NOT going to fit up there!"...HELL YES it hurt, I've never had anything that big and hard up there before!!! Hold on, I have to pick up my prescription...wait, I'll call you back...

We were dying! Turns out, she was referring to a pelvic ultrasound

 

[targetismylife09]

We had a guest come to the pharmacy window to pick up her Rx while talkin on her cell phone...
OMG!! It was HUGE!!! I told him "You're not sticking that thing inside me! I don't care HOW MUCH lube you use, that thing is NOT going to fit up there!"...HELL YES it hurt, I've never had anything that big and hard up there before!!! Hold on, I have to pick up my prescription...wait, I'll call you back...

We were dying! Turns out, she was referring to a pelvic ultrasound

:laugh3::laugh3::laugh3:

 

[redeye58]

We had a guest come to the pharmacy window to pick up her Rx while talkin on her cell phone...
OMG!! It was HUGE!!! I told him "You're not sticking that thing inside me! I don't care HOW MUCH lube you use, that thing is NOT going to fit up there!"...HELL YES it hurt, I've never had anything that big and hard up there before!!! Hold on, I have to pick up my prescription...wait, I'll call you back...

We were dying! Turns out, she was referring to a pelvic ultrasound

*cue drink spit-up here*

 

[3LetterDevil]

*cue drink spit-up here*

Imagine trying to keep a straight face when giving her the prescription, then calling for a pharmacist consult. I made a point to stay close enough to hear what she was asking, which is how I know she was talking about an ultrasound

 

[CrazyAzianTM]

Not quite a conversation but everyone was getting ready leave at TSC after a late close. Our ETL-GE was writing up Great Team Cards, and she asked me "Could you get your Great Team Card, and put it on the board?" To which I replied without thinking, "You put it on the board." As soon as the words left my mouth, I thought "oh #$*@!" Luckily, she took it as the joke that I had meant it to be (I would normally say stuff like that amongst friends). I was kinda horrified though until she started laughing. I guess it was funnier due to the fact that I'm a pretty quiet person, and those probably the first words I ever uttered to the ETLs excluding the interviews.

 

[redeye58]

There's a whole bin of little plush versions of sports balls & moms especially love to give them to fussy toddlers to play with while they shop but they always wind up in the go-back bins in the lanes. Our 2 GSTMs (who both just happened to be male) were tossing them around while sorting go-backs. The GSTL marched over to the service desk & sternly told them to "do something other than playing around with their balls".

 

[pzychopopgroove]

There's a whole bin of little plush versions of sports balls & moms especially love to give them to fussy toddlers to play with while they shop but they always wind up in the go-back bins in the lanes. Our 2 GSTMs (who both just happened to be male) were tossing them around while sorting go-backs. The GSTL marched over to the service desk & sternly told them to "do something other than playing around with their balls".

OMG LMFAO sounds like one of the GSTL's at my store!

 

[babytrees]

Not a convo but the operator trying to do the closing announcements after dealing with a rude guest (she was frazzled).

"Good evening Target cust...guests. Our store is closing now...I mean, 15 minutes. Please take your cart to the serv...front lanes with your final selections. Our store hours tomorrow are from 9...8 am to 10...9 pm. Thank you for choosing Target and have a nice day...evening. Oh, my God. That was horrible. ... What do you mean I'm still overhead...CRAP!"

I was laughing so hard I had to the cash box from hell back into the CO to use the restroom.

I have done and heard some great overhead boo boos...but that one makes mine sound like minor things.

 

[mrknownothing]

Not a convo but the operator trying to do the closing announcements after dealing with a rude guest (she was frazzled).

"Good evening Target cust...guests. Our store is closing now...I mean, 15 minutes. Please take your cart to the serv...front lanes with your final selections. Our store hours tomorrow are from 9...8 am to 10...9 pm. Thank you for choosing Target and have a nice day...evening. Oh, my God. That was horrible. ... What do you mean I'm still overhead...CRAP!"

I was laughing so hard I had to the cash box from hell back into the CO to use the restroom.

Reminds me of the operator we hired during the summer. He always seemed to have trouble with the closing announcements and would spend more time pausing than actually announcing. Everyone would struggle to stifle their laughter whenever he was closing. Poor kid ended up quitting after about a month or so.

 

[CartStryke]

I have a pretty good one from the other day. I just came back in from getting carts and the lady at guest service was nice enough to do the bathroom checks for me for that hour (I just clocked in not too long before then).

GS: Hey CA, in the men's bathroom, there's something weird in the whatchamacallit.
CA: ...You mean the urinal?
GS: That's it!

I go in, check the urinals, see nothing out of the ordinary, check the stalls and sinks to make sure she didn't mean those and saw nothing. Checked the urinals again, and promptly laughed out loud.

CA: Hey GS, the thing you saw in the urinal. Was it white and had blue stuff in it?
GS: YES!
CA: ...That's a urinal cake.

Granted, the other urinal was actually missing a urinal cake, but I don't think I'm going to be able to let her live that one down.

 

[3LetterDevil]

As I'm walking into the restroom yesterday, two guests are having a "colorful" (profanity-laden)conversation about how horrible our TMs are, how we just say we don't have something instead of actually looking because we're jut lazy, but we're "all probably getting paid peanuts and I guess you get what you pay for". I walk out of the stall and I've NEVER seen someone blush from embarrassment so quickly in my life! I could've worn her face as a shirt and I was AMAZED at how quickly she waddled out of there! Of course, NEITHER of them flushed the toilets and they were actually standing near SBX when I walked by and another TM asked how my day was going...I couldn't keep my mouth shut and said "same old same old...you know, people talking smack about how WE don't do our jobs, well, I'm pretty sure toilet flusher isn't in my job description! Some of our guests can be so disgusting! Wonder what their bathrooms look like at home? Talk to ya later!"

 

[redeye58]

Priceless!!

 

[pzychopopgroove]

"Test, test, test"
"I'm sorry. You've tested positive."

On one of my last shifts at target I actually did that. Stole the idea from this thread.

 

[pzychopopgroove]

Haha no, this time there werent. But our GSTL does like to announce when she's in the bathroom and exactly whats going on and how well things are going for her.

ughhhh :blowup:

Sounds like my long lost sister only I do the same thing with my best friend and via sms.

 

[Hardlinesmaster]

The sounds of flushing! Turn walkie off!

 

[mrknownothing]

As I'm walking into the restroom yesterday, two guests are having a "colorful" (profanity-laden)conversation about how horrible our TMs are, how we just say we don't have something instead of actually looking because we're jut lazy, but we're "all probably getting paid peanuts and I guess you get what you pay for". I walk out of the stall and I've NEVER seen someone blush from embarrassment so quickly in my life! I could've worn her face as a shirt and I was AMAZED at how quickly she waddled out of there! Of course, NEITHER of them flushed the toilets and they were actually standing near SBX when I walked by and another TM asked how my day was going...I couldn't keep my mouth shut and said "same old same old...you know, people talking smack about how WE don't do our jobs, well, I'm pretty sure toilet flusher isn't in my job description! Some of our guests can be so disgusting! Wonder what their bathrooms look like at home? Talk to ya later!"

I don't even bother setting foot in the public restroom. I just use the one for TMs next to the TSC.