Archived I completely lost it at work today. Realized how much of a mess I am.

Status
Not open for further replies.
Joined
Aug 20, 2012
Messages
34
I was debating writing such a personal topic on here, but I figured my anominity is maintained and maybe I can get some advice, although I'm not sure what would help that I haven't already tried. I know some of you on here knew me from way back when when I was confident, motivated, and unstoppable. Life was great. In all honesty, not to sound cocky, I'm suprised I'm this...for a lack of a few paragraphs long explanation on this alone---messed up. This may be lengthy, thanks for reading and listening:

I met who I thought was the love of my life about 2 years ago. We were very close, and in October of last year we got officially together. Engaged shortly thereafter. Everything was amazing. He was the reason I actually left Target and went to my now current job. I messed the relationship up (I don't want to go into detail-I hate reliving that). We broke up. He wont even talk to me anymore. Here's the events of what happened after we broke up.

I was extremely depressed/suicidal. Nothing got better (and it still really isn't) and I finally had enough. I swallowed enough pills that should have killed me and drank enough alcohol to make sure. My blood alcohol was .37 when I was admitted to the hospital. For 2 days I was in the ICU incoherent. Spuring words that didn't make sense. The doctors wouldn't promise my parents that I would ever fully be back, but I would live. God I hate myself for putting my parents through that. I remember when I woke up and was coherent finally, I saw my mom and the look on her face. I immediately burst into tears and said (coming from a man) "Mommy I'm so sorry" She stroked my hair and hugged me and told me it's okay, as long as your okay, everything is okay. We were both crying. My mom cried every night. Then of course came the psych hold...which did more harm than good. When I left the hospital finally (2 weeks later) I had a few days left on my LOA from my job (thank god they gave me the time off), and although I wasn't suicidal anymore, I was just as depressed.

I tried to keep myself busy, tried dating, tried telling myself that I was okay. I realized after todays events I'm just as broken as I was the day we broke up:

I was in the HR office, getting ready to leave, just checking my mailbox one last time before the weekend. It was kinda late so it was just me and my favorite HR generalist (whom I am very close with) in the HR office and on the radio (the HR office has a radio) the song "hit the lights" by Selena Gomez came on (I know cheesy). I lost it. I started balling my eyes out, I dropped to the floor, wound up burrying my face in my knees. Thank god Ally (the HR generalist) was there; she immediately locked the HR door, got on her knees, pulled me close to her, hugged me, told me it was going to be okay. It took me over an hour to quit crying and shaking.

I'm very professional, very mature-especially for my age-but I lost it like a f'ing baby. If it was anyone but Ally I would have resigned immediately.

I've tried therapy: Psychologist, therapists that SPECIALIZE in breakups, psychiatrists (I've tried 4 different anti depressants, 4 different benzo diazapines (sorry if it's spelled incorrectly). Nothing helped-the only thing I got was a slight buzz from xanex and klonipin, but I was still just as depressed. I've talked to friends, I've tried a different hobby. Leased a new car.

Maybe I'm not ready to forgive myself, maybe I'm not meant to get over him.

Why did I tell all of this? I don't know, this is a pretty diverse crowd, maybe someone could think of something to help that I haven't tried.

Anyone is welcome to PM me as well.


Thanks in advance if you can potentially help.

Forgot to mention it's been over 4 months now since the breakup.
 

commiecorvus

Former Signing Ninja
Staff member
Moderator
Joined
Jun 10, 2011
Messages
17,764
This really isn't going to help much I'm afraid but time is really the only true solution to that kind of pain.
When my ex and I broke up we had been together for almost twenty years (got married when we were teenagers something I recommend to no one).
I cried every night for six months.
Talked on the phone to my kids every night, they staid with me three nights a week and it still killed me that they didn't live with me.
My ex and I had changed in so many ways but I still loved her, wanted my family to be whole.
It was killing me, felt like there was a hole in my soul that would never heal.
It hurt in ways I couldn't even describe.
I lived and slowly got better.
Found someone and thrived.
There are still moments, weirdly enough and I'm sure there will be for you too.
But in the long run always remember, this too will pass.
 
Last edited:
Joined
Jun 8, 2011
Messages
30,725
Life is too short. Make a decision to let it go. Don't let fear control you, you control it. It's call the dark side. Your biggest enemy is yourself.
Value your friends & family, who help you without question. In this case, your friend Amy & mom.
Hang in there!
 
Joined
Jun 10, 2011
Messages
244
Commie is right--you need more time to move on. A lot more time. I know you are struggling and you want to feel better right now but you've experienced a devastating loss for which you are feeling a lot of guilt. Four months isn't long enough to be fine yet. It's a one day at a time, baby-steps-forward process. I can only suggest that you do your best to take good care of yourself--eat well, get enough sleep and exercise, spend time outdoors and be social even if you don't always want to, but also be patient and work on forgiving yourself. You won't be okay overnight and you will also never be the same as you were before this happened, grief changes us, but you can recover and be well again, but don't push yourself too hard.
 

redeye58

Hasta Ba Rista, Baby!
Joined
Jun 9, 2011
Messages
19,700
You need to FORGIVE yourself, learn to LOVE yourself & start LIVING for yourself before you can share your life (& love) with others.
Sadly, you're not alone in this experience. Many of us have been there.
Fortunately, you're not alone in this experience. We're all here.
 
Last edited:
B

Barcode

Guest
Like Red said, this all begins with yourself :) As far as your anxiety/depression, you should welcome these feelings as normal, and not let them rule your life! Medication can help, but if you are living in constant fear of your feelings, it will do nothing but magnify the problem. And just remember, during a breakup its normal to feel depressed and sad, the best thing to do is just get it all out, instead of letting feelings well up inside of you.

Try and keep yourself busy with work, and spend a lot of time with hobbies/friends. Trust me it will help take your mind off things, rather than being alone :)
 
Joined
Jun 10, 2011
Messages
244
Try and keep yourself busy with work, and spend a lot of time with hobbies/friends. Trust me it will help take your mind off things, rather than being alone :)

This is good advice. Try and find things that will help you get out of your own head. You do need to process your feelings but you don't want to obsess over them either.
 

pellinore

Life sucks and nothing good can come of it.
Joined
Jun 16, 2011
Messages
1,997
There's a lot going on in your life...and I believe that most of the advice given is really good....give yourself time and take things one small step at a time.

I think that it is good that you've tried therapy and different medications. My concern about these medicines is that you've tried a number of medicines in four months. There is nothing wrong with medications (I take anti-depressant pills everyday...and will continue to take them until the day I leave this earth.) Many medications do take time to work.....but you have to give them time. It's disturbing to me that you've tried so many in such a short amount of time.

Four months and a lot of medications....not a good start. My advice to you, regarding the medications, is to find a psychiatrist that you like....perhaps one you've already seen...and give the medication process the time that it deserves. It is not uncommon to have to try several medications before you find one that works....but to find something that works, you need to trust the process and give it time.....and believe that you will find one that works....I'm also concerned that you've tried a number of solutions in the four months since your break-up. Just like medications, you've got to start with one program and give it a chance to work....you won't find a solution to your issues until you give yourself a chance to get better.

My advice....find a counselor....get a psychiatrist....and give the process a chance to work.

I know that this is tough, but you will get through it.....one day at a time.
 
Joined
Aug 20, 2012
Messages
34
Thanks everyone for the responses. I guess it'll just take time. I agree with pellinore, I think I jumped from medication to medication in hope for a quick fix. One other thing that concerns me: When I was in the hospital, especially in the ICU, I was prescribed the following: IV Fentanyl, IV Dilaudid, AND oxycontin. I was definetely overmedicated. At the time I was in almost screaming pain though from the drugs I overdosed on leaving my system. I'm not sure if the doctor was just sympathetic or a pill pusher. When I was transferred to the psych unit, up until that point, I was regularly receiving all three. When I got to the psych ward, I GOT NOTHING. I was still in pain somewhat, but the withdrawl was unbearable and I wish that on no one. To this day, however, I still crave those drugs, in all honesty, almost to the point of illegall activities (I never would though). But the psychological addition is so strong, even to this day. I'm afraid to tell this to my doctor/psychiatrist for fear of being labeled a drug seeker and never getting drugs again. Anyone have any advice on this? Does the cravings eventually go down?
 
Joined
Jun 8, 2011
Messages
30,725
Not to sure on the drugs side effects. Does UPS offered a hotline for personal events like spot's life resources hotline?
 

commiecorvus

Former Signing Ninja
Staff member
Moderator
Joined
Jun 10, 2011
Messages
17,764
Sadly the cravings don't go away, you just learn to hang on to them, watch them and make sure they don't take control.
Do tell the doc about them so they can make a good choice about the drugs they put you on for your depression.
Pellinore is so right, you need someone you can trust and can stick with.
Also try to get as much exercise and a good diet, depression and drugs has a way of really messing you up physically.
 

redeye58

Hasta Ba Rista, Baby!
Joined
Jun 9, 2011
Messages
19,700
^This. Exercise, even walking, produces endorphines that can help stabilize your body. It can also help clear your mind so you can think more clearly.
*hug*
 

pellinore

Life sucks and nothing good can come of it.
Joined
Jun 16, 2011
Messages
1,997
allinone....

When you make the choice of the health care provider who will be there to HELP you, you MUST, MUST, MUST make sure to tell that person everything. Sure, it is scarey to think that the person you see will make judgements about you, but the judgements will be from what you tell them. A skilled mental health provider will not make judgements about you being a drug seeker....they will see the truth..that you are there for help.

No matter how difficult it may be you have got to tell your health care provider everything.....if you don't then you are hurting your chances of getting well and getting through this rough time. You will only get through this by telling the truth...no matter how you feel. Part of this whole process is how to deal with your feelings....and sometimes those feelings are being affected by your thinking process.....which is being affected by your depression.....and that is OK.

It is OK to doubt yourself, it is OK to feel what you feel. I can't say that the feelings will be easy or pleasant, but you have to trust the care giver that you choose. It might feel like a very slow process, and sometimes it is....just go forward believing and knowing that as long as you are moving forward you are making progress.

I believe that every person has their own demons to fight. Sometimes the battle seems to be too much, which is probably why you tried to kill yourself. I can't say that I understand how you feel, but I can understand how life can be painful enough that death seems like a sensible option. I've been there. I've been hospitalized. It was a long, long rotten battle, but I am here now and I know that I've done the best job I could to get myself well. I made it...YOU CAN, TOO!!

Take it slowly and move forward and trust yourself....or, at least, trust the process. It will work.


There are a few things that I think about when I start to feel overwhelmed. Perhaps these things might be helpful for you.

1) No matter how slowly you are moving, you are making progress even if you are crawling through the forest....each inch is forward movement.
2) The only way around is through.
3) Take things in small steps.....if one day at a time is too much, then try half a day at a time....if this is too much, break it down. I've broken my small steps down to 10 minutes at a time.....and when I am successful at 10 minutes, I know that I can do another 10 minutes.
4) Celebrate every success.....10 minutes at a time, making and keeping an appointment with your health care provider, sleeping through a night, saying "hello" to a stranger that you see on the street, going one day without shedding a tear.

The hardest thing though is moving along at a pace that works for you. Listen to yourself and trust that, given time, all will work out and you will be a stronger person for it.

Be kind to yourself and believe in the process.

And remember, we are all here for you.
 
Joined
Jun 20, 2011
Messages
286
Awesome response, pellinore. I also want to add that one thing that struck out to me was how to didn't want to share the situation b/c you hate reliving it. I think this is probably part of the key to getting better. I am not saying you need to share it on here, but feel free, if you want. It is extremely personal and I'm not sure if it would identify you, but make sure you do share it with someone. More than one someone. Sometimes its hard sharing what you perceive as your failures with people you are close with, but share with your therapist, someone on here you trust, maybe post of another forum. Stating a situation over and over to different people causes you to look at it at different angles and from different perspectives. Its so hard, but I really believe you need to explore and dissect this thing you don't want to relive in order to get better.

I also think you need to seek forgiveness of some sort from him, if you are having a hard time forgiving yourself. Write a letter, mail it. That'll make it more personal and I would bet he'll read it. Don't expect a response, but at least you'll know you tried. If you can't bring yourself to mail the letter, at least write it out and keep it for yourself. Read it every day.

I hope it gets better. I've been thinking about your post all weekend, but I was away and couldn't respond on my phone. You've already got several supporters on this forum, and I'm sure many more at home. Stay strong. Keep us updated.
 
Joined
Aug 20, 2012
Messages
34
UPDATE:

Through a very, very strange coincidence, I met my ex's former long time boyfriend. Am I still hurt? Yes, But I'm not sad anymore. I'm completely happy my douche of an ex (and the bag it came in), is OUT of my life:

HE LIED/EXAGGERATED ABOUT EVERYTHING!!!! (Me and his other ex compared notes)

1) I thought my ex had Multiple Sclerosis (MS). HE DOESN'T! He read up on the disease, realized that it is very very hard to disprove someone who says they have MS (when they lie about previous attacks). The reason he did it? When he had an "attack"-which I was there fully for him, missing work, holding him, etc-he was given strong narcotic pain killers (Dilaudid, Norco). He did it for the high! To this day (to my knowledge) he still receives xanex, oxycodone, adderall, and ambien. He's a drug seeker. I knew he was a (what I thought was former) coke head. Looking back on it, his money was mysteriously spent and based on his actions, I have a feeling he was still doing it.

2) When I met his ex, I realized he (our mutual ex) told ALL of these lies about him: former drug addict, unemployed, used him for his money, etc. In fact, he has and continues to be successfully employed, making a decent salary. When he left, he EMPTIED their joint bank account.

3) He LIED about his parents being dead.

In general, he lied about everything. Exaggerated everything.

Did I f*ck up? yeah. Not nearly as anything as serious as he did, though.

Me and his ex sent him a picture message together: Arms around each other, smiling, with a sign that said: "We compared notes" and smiling

He's a good guy and I have a date with him. Seems promising.

I'm so stunned, but I only have one thing to say: F*CK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Last edited:

redeye58

Hasta Ba Rista, Baby!
Joined
Jun 9, 2011
Messages
19,700
The best revenge is to succeed & move on.
LOVED the sent pic! lol
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top