I was debating writing such a personal topic on here, but I figured my anominity is maintained and maybe I can get some advice, although I'm not sure what would help that I haven't already tried. I know some of you on here knew me from way back when when I was confident, motivated, and unstoppable. Life was great. In all honesty, not to sound cocky, I'm suprised I'm this...for a lack of a few paragraphs long explanation on this alone---messed up. This may be lengthy, thanks for reading and listening:
I met who I thought was the love of my life about 2 years ago. We were very close, and in October of last year we got officially together. Engaged shortly thereafter. Everything was amazing. He was the reason I actually left Target and went to my now current job. I messed the relationship up (I don't want to go into detail-I hate reliving that). We broke up. He wont even talk to me anymore. Here's the events of what happened after we broke up.
I was extremely depressed/suicidal. Nothing got better (and it still really isn't) and I finally had enough. I swallowed enough pills that should have killed me and drank enough alcohol to make sure. My blood alcohol was .37 when I was admitted to the hospital. For 2 days I was in the ICU incoherent. Spuring words that didn't make sense. The doctors wouldn't promise my parents that I would ever fully be back, but I would live. God I hate myself for putting my parents through that. I remember when I woke up and was coherent finally, I saw my mom and the look on her face. I immediately burst into tears and said (coming from a man) "Mommy I'm so sorry" She stroked my hair and hugged me and told me it's okay, as long as your okay, everything is okay. We were both crying. My mom cried every night. Then of course came the psych hold...which did more harm than good. When I left the hospital finally (2 weeks later) I had a few days left on my LOA from my job (thank god they gave me the time off), and although I wasn't suicidal anymore, I was just as depressed.
I tried to keep myself busy, tried dating, tried telling myself that I was okay. I realized after todays events I'm just as broken as I was the day we broke up:
I was in the HR office, getting ready to leave, just checking my mailbox one last time before the weekend. It was kinda late so it was just me and my favorite HR generalist (whom I am very close with) in the HR office and on the radio (the HR office has a radio) the song "hit the lights" by Selena Gomez came on (I know cheesy). I lost it. I started balling my eyes out, I dropped to the floor, wound up burrying my face in my knees. Thank god Ally (the HR generalist) was there; she immediately locked the HR door, got on her knees, pulled me close to her, hugged me, told me it was going to be okay. It took me over an hour to quit crying and shaking.
I'm very professional, very mature-especially for my age-but I lost it like a f'ing baby. If it was anyone but Ally I would have resigned immediately.
I've tried therapy: Psychologist, therapists that SPECIALIZE in breakups, psychiatrists (I've tried 4 different anti depressants, 4 different benzo diazapines (sorry if it's spelled incorrectly). Nothing helped-the only thing I got was a slight buzz from xanex and klonipin, but I was still just as depressed. I've talked to friends, I've tried a different hobby. Leased a new car.
Maybe I'm not ready to forgive myself, maybe I'm not meant to get over him.
Why did I tell all of this? I don't know, this is a pretty diverse crowd, maybe someone could think of something to help that I haven't tried.
Anyone is welcome to PM me as well.
Thanks in advance if you can potentially help.
Forgot to mention it's been over 4 months now since the breakup.
I met who I thought was the love of my life about 2 years ago. We were very close, and in October of last year we got officially together. Engaged shortly thereafter. Everything was amazing. He was the reason I actually left Target and went to my now current job. I messed the relationship up (I don't want to go into detail-I hate reliving that). We broke up. He wont even talk to me anymore. Here's the events of what happened after we broke up.
I was extremely depressed/suicidal. Nothing got better (and it still really isn't) and I finally had enough. I swallowed enough pills that should have killed me and drank enough alcohol to make sure. My blood alcohol was .37 when I was admitted to the hospital. For 2 days I was in the ICU incoherent. Spuring words that didn't make sense. The doctors wouldn't promise my parents that I would ever fully be back, but I would live. God I hate myself for putting my parents through that. I remember when I woke up and was coherent finally, I saw my mom and the look on her face. I immediately burst into tears and said (coming from a man) "Mommy I'm so sorry" She stroked my hair and hugged me and told me it's okay, as long as your okay, everything is okay. We were both crying. My mom cried every night. Then of course came the psych hold...which did more harm than good. When I left the hospital finally (2 weeks later) I had a few days left on my LOA from my job (thank god they gave me the time off), and although I wasn't suicidal anymore, I was just as depressed.
I tried to keep myself busy, tried dating, tried telling myself that I was okay. I realized after todays events I'm just as broken as I was the day we broke up:
I was in the HR office, getting ready to leave, just checking my mailbox one last time before the weekend. It was kinda late so it was just me and my favorite HR generalist (whom I am very close with) in the HR office and on the radio (the HR office has a radio) the song "hit the lights" by Selena Gomez came on (I know cheesy). I lost it. I started balling my eyes out, I dropped to the floor, wound up burrying my face in my knees. Thank god Ally (the HR generalist) was there; she immediately locked the HR door, got on her knees, pulled me close to her, hugged me, told me it was going to be okay. It took me over an hour to quit crying and shaking.
I'm very professional, very mature-especially for my age-but I lost it like a f'ing baby. If it was anyone but Ally I would have resigned immediately.
I've tried therapy: Psychologist, therapists that SPECIALIZE in breakups, psychiatrists (I've tried 4 different anti depressants, 4 different benzo diazapines (sorry if it's spelled incorrectly). Nothing helped-the only thing I got was a slight buzz from xanex and klonipin, but I was still just as depressed. I've talked to friends, I've tried a different hobby. Leased a new car.
Maybe I'm not ready to forgive myself, maybe I'm not meant to get over him.
Why did I tell all of this? I don't know, this is a pretty diverse crowd, maybe someone could think of something to help that I haven't tried.
Anyone is welcome to PM me as well.
Thanks in advance if you can potentially help.
Forgot to mention it's been over 4 months now since the breakup.