Archived Is it appropriate to report a coworker?

[rog the dog]

I don't know if you guys read my post or not but I'll reiterate.

There's a huge difference between making the claim somebody is harassing you versus making you uncomfortable. I would never advocate a guy or anyone be fired over something as seemingly trivial as this. But our team members, male or female, do have the right to not have to expect to confront people who make feel them uncomfortable, for a variety of reasons.

HR leaders will not be firing a team member based off of one side of a story, neither will they be passing any sort of judgement on the manner, but they will bring it up to the team member and 9 times out of 10 the issue ends there and nobody is worse for wear.

 

[Kartman]

 

[Ringwraith917]

If you dress like this woman on the right, you have no right to be offended if some guy looks at your ass. It's practically got a sign hanging off it with an arrow saying "look here". Same if your pants, blouse, bra, etc are 2 sizes too small and you're busting out. Youre dressing that way to elicit a response. Don't be annoyed when you get one.

If you dress normally, wearing clothes that fit, and don't accentuate your body, you should expect only to be admired for your work. Except men have this ingrained attraction to women, and if a guy doesn't seem to notice, he's just doing a good job of hiding it.

 

[tellmeaboutatime]

let’s call him “Chester”.does Chester make comments or gestures when he is looking at your butt? if not it’s going to be pretty darn tough to do anything. He could just be staring off into space (target has that mind numbing effect). Hell you might remind him of his sister Eunice who he misses. You get the picture. If Chester is getting a good eyeful just ask him if there’s toilet paper stuck to your ass. It’s non confrontational, you have made him aware that you know he is staring

 

[GoodyNN]

let’s call him “Chester”.does Chester make comments or gestures when he is looking at your butt? if not it’s going to be pretty darn tough to do anything. He could just be staring off into space (target has that mind numbing effect). Hell you might remind him of his sister Eunice who he misses. You get the picture. If Chester is getting a good eyeful just ask him if there’s toilet paper stuck to your ass. It’s non confrontational, you have made him aware that you know he is staring

And if he legitimately isn't looking, he may take that question as an invitation to check out your ass. So be careful with that one.

 

[Kartman]

And if he's wearing sunglasses - you're shit outta luck!!!

 

[Megatron91]

My advice if u feel uncomfortable talking to him talk to your TL about it. And if it continues got to hr or store director

 

[Captain Orca]

Checking out those new lime green and neon orange Asics Gel Nimbus sneaks, yes? "Hey Bozo, you looking at me? pound sand" only issue potentially is "Bozo" isn't a snowflake word then YOU become the bad guy. ETL: "CaptainOrca, come to the office, I want to talk to you." CaptainOrca: "NO....and you don't talk TO me, you talk WITH me." "I'm going back to my Fresh Step and Gray Poupon."

 

[Karen Potts]

If you dress like this woman on the right, you have no right to be offended if some guy looks at your ass. It's practically got a sign hanging off it with an arrow saying "look here". Same if your pants, blouse, bra, etc are 2 sizes too small and you're busting out. Youre dressing that way to elicit a response. Don't be annoyed when you get one.

If you dress normally, wearing clothes that fit, and don't accentuate your body, you should expect only to be admired for your work. Except men have this ingrained attraction to women, and if a guy doesn't seem to notice, he's just doing a good job of hiding it.

This right here is the problem. Why can’t a woman be offended for any reason? You’re assuming too much.

 

[Tessa120]

But our team members, male or female, do have the right to not have to expect to confront people who make feel them uncomfortable, for a variety of reasons.

What about out of the workplace? If someone wants attention to stop but doesn't want to say anything, does anyone ride in to rescue them? Or do they have to man up / put on their big girl panties and say knock it off directly? So why does coming into the workplace mean they can turn into snowflakes and hint away and when the hints aren't interpreted right they can file what is considered a reasonable complaint with HR?

 

[Nauzhror]

Not an apples to apples comparison. Outside of the workplace you can just choose to avoid contact with someone that makes you feel uncomfortable.

 

[Tessa120]

Not an apples to apples comparison. Outside of the workplace you can just choose to avoid contact with someone that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Unless it's your next door neighbor. Or your friend's brother. Or your brother's friend**. Or many other people. Then you have to be the one to handle the situation. You can't just call the cops and report a stalker if you never said "naw, not interested".

People should not rush to report knowing an HR complaint means big trouble without even trying to say "Hey, stop, not cool." No, not talking as someone who got put in that situation, talking as someone who feels empathy for others and thinks that it's all sorts of colossal unfair to have documented "behavioral issues" when a simple no would have handled the whole thing perfectly fine. Also talking as someone who has seen communication difficulties and how direct talk solves so many problems because people were guessing and hinting rather than using their words.

Coming to work shouldn't make avoidance the preferable manner of handling things. If no doesn't work, then it's reasonable and right to go to HR. Hint, hint, hint and then think the hints should have been understood loud and clear and going to HR without ever saying a word? Nope, and remember that karma works both ways and hope that you never misunderstand someone else's hints who thinks HR is a great place to start.

**(Before it's said, if your brother thinks his friend is the person he can trust to take care of you, he's not going to tell his buddy to stop.)

 

[Nauzhror]

You can definitely avoid all of those. I virtually never speak to my neighbors. If they were in my yard looking in my windows or anything bordering on stalker-ish, you bet your ass I'd call the cops.

And no brother worth having would not tell his buddy to leave his sister be if his sister made it clear she didn't appreciate his advances.

 

[rog the dog]

What about out of the workplace? If someone wants attention to stop but doesn't want to say anything, does anyone ride in to rescue them? Or do they have to man up / put on their big girl panties and say knock it off directly? So why does coming into the workplace mean they can turn into snowflakes and hint away and when the hints aren't interpreted right they can file what is considered a reasonable complaint with HR?

I don't really care what someone does one way or another I'm just letting ya'll know how Target sees it.

 

[Kartman]

I have a hard time concealing my well-developed muscular body when I go out, but somehow I do it. Of course - wearing a kilt... all cards are off the table!

I will attract the looks!!!

 

[Megatron91]

If you dress like this woman on the right, you have no right to be offended if some guy looks at your ass. It's practically got a sign hanging off it with an arrow saying "look here". Same if your pants, blouse, bra, etc are 2 sizes too small and you're busting out. Youre dressing that way to elicit a response. Don't be annoyed when you get one.

If you dress normally, wearing clothes that fit, and don't accentuate your body, you should expect only to be admired for your work. Except men have this ingrained attraction to women, and if a guy doesn't seem to notice, he's just doing a good job of hiding it.

What the fuck dude. Is not the way she dresses. If she feels uncomfortable thats her right and no one should have to feel that way at work. The way u put is is like its her falt its not. Men need to respect women's boundaries. Anyone of any gender should be allowed to dress how they feel and not feel violated because someone keeps staring at them.

 

[JAShands]

Unless it's your next door neighbor. Or your friend's brother. Or your brother's friend**. Or many other people. Then you have to be the one to handle the situation. You can't just call the cops and report a stalker if you never said "naw, not interested".

People should not rush to report knowing an HR complaint means big trouble without even trying to say "Hey, stop, not cool." No, not talking as someone who got put in that situation, talking as someone who feels empathy for others and thinks that it's all sorts of colossal unfair to have documented "behavioral issues" when a simple no would have handled the whole thing perfectly fine. Also talking as someone who has seen communication difficulties and how direct talk solves so many problems because people were guessing and hinting rather than using their words.

Coming to work shouldn't make avoidance the preferable manner of handling things. If no doesn't work, then it's reasonable and right to go to HR. Hint, hint, hint and then think the hints should have been understood loud and clear and going to HR without ever saying a word? Nope, and remember that karma works both ways and hope that you never misunderstand someone else's hints who thinks HR is a great place to start.

**(Before it's said, if your brother thinks his friend is the person he can trust to take care of you, he's not going to tell his buddy to stop.)

The orientation dvd very clearly talks about this. Their first suggestion is talk to the person, but, if that would make the (offended) person uncomfortable they can go to HR or any other Leader. I’ll look on Monday to see if it’s in writing anywhere in the handbook or business conduct guide.

HR isn’t going to just suddenly start a file and work towards terming an alleged creep. Please stop making it sound like that! Any Leader who would have this conversation would be having a STU and letting the TM know they’re making someone else uncomfortable.

It’s easy for the person I am now to tell the person I was 20 years ago what I should have done. But the person I was wouldn’t have listened. Everyone has to find their own path and their own voice in their own time. You can’t force someone to be courageous. Until they’re ready I’ll be there to help in any way I can. Because eventually we all get there.

 

[Tessa120]

If someone comes to HR and says someone looking at them feels bad, and HR tells that person to stop looking, is it documented in any way? Or is it really just a talk and there's no paperwork of any kind anywhere? If there is any sort of documentation then sorry, going to HR without any attempt to solve the issue means the person could be starting trouble for an innocent person simply because they think the looker is criminal and dangerous. That he's not just an ordinary guy who would stop when asked because he is hopeful her super friendliness to him means a possible date but will back off when told.

People should have the common decency to treat the situation like a misunderstanding or clumsy idiocy before assuming criminal or evil.

And for the neighbor example, what if he isn't peeping through windows? What if he's always getting the mail when you do and comes out to do something in his yard when you do yardwork? Do you run to the police so they can tell him to stop timing the yardwork, or do you handle the situation yourself and bring the police in only if he doesn't take no for an answer?

 

[Ringwraith917]

What the fuck dude. Is not the way she dresses. If she feels uncomfortable thats her right and no one should have to feel that way at work. The way u put is is like its her falt its not. Men need to respect women's boundaries. Anyone of any gender should be allowed to dress how they feel and not feel violated because someone keeps staring at them.

But... sometimes it is their fault. OP didn't present all relevant information, ie, how she dresses.

 

[happygoth]

In theory I agree with those that say a woman should dress how she wants and be able to go about her business without getting unwanted attention. In practice though, a woman who goes out in public wearing booty shorts and a low-cut top with boobs spilling out is trying to attract attention, and has to be cognizant of the fact that some of it will be unwanted. That does not mean that she has to put up with catcalls or people approaching her or touching her, but she's going to get looks.

Work is a whole different ballgame. People should conduct themselves in a professional manner at work, full-stop. I don't care if you're the hottest guy on the planet and I'm dying to go out with you - work is not the place for you to be staring at me lustfully. And vice-versa, of course. I have no issues with workplace romance, but if the feelings are mutual that will be apparent quickly. Otherwise folks, your gawking and awkward attempts at flirtation are inappropriate so knock it off.

I tend to agree with those that say one should at least try to speak to the person first, but I also understand how someone may feel weird about doing that too. It's a tough situation.

 

[Nauzhror]

What the fuck dude. Is not the way she dresses. If she feels uncomfortable thats her right and no one should have to feel that way at work. The way u put is is like its her falt its not. Men need to respect women's boundaries. Anyone of any gender should be allowed to dress how they feel and not feel violated because someone keeps staring at them.

He wasn't suggesting the OP was asking for it.

There's also a difference between looking and touching.

You never touch a woman without permission. Doesn't matter what she's wearing.

But when someone is dressed the way the woman in that picture is, they are pretty much implicitly giving permission to look. I'm not saying women that don't want to be leered at need to dress up like muslim women so that they have almost no visible skin, but there's a big difference between wearing standard clothing, and wearing a bikini or booty shorts. If you're wearing booty shorts, you kind of have to expect it to get the attention of men around you. They're going to stare, and you're implicitly encouraging them to do so.

 

[Nauzhror]

But... sometimes it is their fault. OP didn't present all relevant information, ie, how she dresses.

She's at work, she's dressed fine. If she wasn't she'd have been fired by now. Being attractive doesn't make it your fault when people leer and creep on you.

We can very safely say she's not dressed anything like the girl in that picture while working.

 

[Tessa120]

Getting away from manner of dress, the OP doesn't like how she is looked at. So, should she rush to document behavior and accuse someone of not stopping inappropriate looking when she has never said stop? Or should she start by telling the guy she doesn't like the attention and give him the chance to stop on his own?

 

[Black Sheep 214]

You know when the earth will move? When he looks a second too long or a bit too intently at a guest’s butt, and she complains... 🧨 💥

 

[JAShands]

if OP doesn’t want to directly confront him you can’t force her to @Tessa120. If they want to go to a Leader they trust for help they absolutely can; it does not mean a case has been started to get the offending TM fired.